[$199.99]
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

[$74.22]
When taking a game of Beer Pong on the road it can be annoying when the cups slide all over the place, especially if you’ve pitched up at a funeral and accidentally drenched the corpse with precious alcohol. Sucking booze from a dead man’s suit is no way to spend an afternoon, but now you don’t have to worry about this completely fictitious scenario with the Truck Bed Beer Pong Table. If you own a truck, and we’re assuming you do, you can fit this to the rear with ease and be ready to party wherever the hell you are. Beaches, Barbecues, Child Beauty Pageants – all are made better by the presence of a drunken truck driver shouting “Who wants to play beer pong!”

[$32.49] / [£24.99]
Ever since I played Super Mario Bros as a kid I've spent at least 80% of my life punching bricks in the hope that coins will one day emerge. My fists are now nothing more than a bloody pulp, but I could've avoided all this tragic mess if I'd simply bought this Question Block Light. Look, it's exactly like the one in the game! How cool and copyright infringey is that? Powered by USB or batteries the block also emits a little ping noise if you press it, but if you kick the fucker out of a window it makes no noise whatsoever. What a jip.

[$425] / [£350]
Did you know there's a 1 Terabyte Playstation 4 Pro out? You do now. And as soon as you've stopped foaming in your pants you'll be even more excited to learn that this particular version supports faster framerates, 4K streaming and a bunch of other things you won't notice while you're telling someone what their mum does with an aubergine behind McDonalds. Available in various console bundles including a Call of Duty Legacy one that nobody will ever buy, the PS4 1TB Pro also comes with a receipt, so you can take it back and trade it in for an xBox One like a not-idiot.

[$394.82] / [£279.99]
The Nintendo Switch is what you get when the Wii gets knocked up by a Gamecube and out spurts some half-breed nonsense. With its dock, Joy Con and Joy Con Grip able to be used for personal, tabletop and four-way play, the Switch's major selling point is that it allows you to enjoy the home console experience on the go; a feature nobody asked for but everyone's gonna get. I like to sit nude and alone in the dark when I'm playing games, so now I guess I'll have to do the same thing on the bus instead.

[$9.95]
I like to pretend I'm really super serious by practicing my super serious face in the mirror every morning. I do this by thinking about all my childhood pets that are now dead, and if you're also a super serious jerk like me then these Minimalist Playing Cards will really get your gizzards in a twist. Produced by Minim, these fellas are merely simplified versions of a normal 52-card deck, but without all those flashy features like colours, drawings and fun. They're also made out of PVC, just like my dad's favourite outfit.

[$37.19] / [£29.99]
This officially licensed Pac-Man lamp is a fine addition to the bedroom of any man or woman who wishes to stay pure and virginal for an extended period of time. The lamp comes with a remote control that allows you to dim old Pac for a little mood lighting, but the real fun is to be had with his 12 built in sound effects. That WakkaWakka noise and Pac-Man's death rattle are two notable ones, but my favourite sound effect is when Pac-Man goes on a half hour rant about the AIDS epidemic which threatened to engulf the world during the 80's. I think it comes from a Mrs Pac-Man Easter Egg.

[$39.95]
What's your favourite sports game? I like that one where the man has a ball and he hits it really hard and it goes into the crowd and hurts an old lady the most. And I bet that would really sting if you used one of these Leather Head Sports Balls. This company makes all your favourite kind of balls but better, with baseballs, footballs and human balls finely crafted from dead nice leather. They're so nice you might never want to play with them, which begs the question…what's the f**king point?

[$169.95]
Baseballs was invented by Ken Baseballs in 1998 after he watched a preview screening of the Matrix and thought "they should beat each other with bats instead of all this pissing about." He later added a ball to the game, and hence the game of basingballs we know and love was born. And if you want to have a play of basersballs then you need one of these Custom Louisville Slugger Bats, then you can hit the ball dead hard towards the end zone or whatever. Get em made in whatever colour, shape and wood you want…except balsa wood probably.

[$199]
Laptops are notoriously thirsty for juice, as are tablets, smartphones, handheld consoles and mains-powered dildos. But the HP Laptop Powering Backpack offers a solution, albeit one that gives you yet another thing you've got to remember to charge.The HP Backpack's built-in 22400 mAh battery can charge up to three devices if you've remembered to pack their respective chargers, and if you haven't, you could always jump in the bathtub with it on and kill yourself.

[$FREE]
If our grandparents knew that one day we'd 3D print a device to help us drink sugary water while playing 18 hours of video games, they'd have not bothered fighting any wars and probably shot themselves instead. This Nintendo Switch Joy Con Drink Holder is the pinnacle of human laziness, as not only does it allow you to play your Switch and drink at the same time, but you don't even have to get up to buy it. All the files you need to 3D print this bitch are available online. And if you haven't got a 3D printer, just put some concrete in your regular printer. I'm sure it'll work.

[$22.19] / [£16.99]
Would you rather fist a clown in front of your mother or suck yoghurt out of an old tramp's infected thigh pustules? What if you faced a choice between consuming your own body weight in nipples or being a mime during the Holocaust? Neither of these are choices offered by If You Had To..., but they should be, because my suggestions are better. This card game is a variation of the playground classic Would You Rather, and by variation I mean it's exactly the same but someone else bought that name so these guys had to call it "If You Had To...". There are 250 cards here, and all of them are wipe clean. Make of that what you will.