[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$3,360] / [£2,315]
You thought The Cloud was that place you’d uploaded all of your pornography, but you’d be wrong. The Cloud is also an awesome multimedia device which you most certainly need in your life. This interactive speaker and lamp can stream music and create ambient light displays based on your awful music collection. It probably rains when Kesha comes on. If you ask it nicely it’ll also mimic a thunderstorm using sound and light, just like Storm from the X-Men when she’s wasted. Made from LEDs and hypoallergenic polyester fiber, these clouds are in high demand, so buy one now before Jesus sails down on his surf-cloud and batters you to death with his neon fists.

[$72.59] / [£49.99]
The Pocket Operator Synthesiser is a portable device which helps you create electronic music and beats wherever you are. It contains a powerful on-board speaker, runs off AAA batteries, and comes in three different varieties for different styles of sound. You’ll notice at this point that this description is rather functional and unfunny. Why is this? BECAUSE I’M SCARED SHITLESS! No longer will busker and tube-based song-wankers be limited to an acoustic guitar. Now they can pump out sassy beats wherever they like. Imagine the subway full of pilled-up raving lunatics stopping you getting places. The world will end. This device must be destroyed. Buy one and break it.

[$460] / [£320]
If you’re anything like me you came away from watching the Deadpool movie thinking “Wow, I wish I was a disfigured Ryan Reynolds in an all-in-one leather suit”. Well now you can get 50% of the way there by purchasing this Deadpool Replica Motorcycle Suit from Etsy. Coming in either full cowhide leather, sheep leather, or cordura and leather, this polyester lined suit is padded like an actual motorcycle suit and perfect for Cosplaying, Gimp Fights, or sobbing alone in your bedroom wishing you were cool. N.B. Sassy one liners and agonising internal tumors not included.

[$63.45] / [£53.33]
If you own a Mac then you’ll know they’re as delicate as a dandelion, as weak as a kitten, as fragile as a child with no immune system in a playground full of sneezing jerks. So why not buy this outstandingly durable Military Grade Macbook Cover? Designed for the 12inch Macbook, this military tested armor shell is what tough army guys use to protect their Macs when they’re chatting online to their family shortly before a devastating explosion. So you know they’re good. They also come in clear and smoke grey…just like an ejaculating robot.

[$35,000]
This is the Model 3, Tesla’s latest fancypants electric car. If you’ve got $35,000 to lay down on a set of wheels then most sensible people would just by a $5000 car and fill it with 30 grand’s worth of hookers. But if for some reason that idea sounds distasteful to you then by all means, buy a Tesla Model 3. They can run for 215 miles without charge, go from 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds, come with autopilot hardware, and can seat five adults. But then again, so can my friend Honey, and she only costs $400 for the night.

[$7,350]
Hey, do you remember this bike from the 60’s? No, me neither. But some people did and they made a new one. Isn’t it shiny? The Rokon Trail-breaker has two wheel drive, inverted front suspension, hollow wheels, wider tires and many customisable features. I bet if you wanted you could fit a dildo to the seat. Imagine riding over all that rough terrain. Oh my. With its 3 speed transmission and 208cc four stroke engine you’d need just the one stroke to take you all the way to flavor country.

[$229]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!

[£450,000]
The Jaguar E-type is the kind of car men want to make love to, and many frequently do, mangling their man bits in the process. But if you're confident you can improve on greatness then the folks at Eagle are now offering a custom-built Eagle Speedster based entirely on the original E-type model. You could add racing stripes, speed holes, an easy access dogging roof - whatever the hell you want! Jeremy Clarkson called the Eagle Speedster the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but he's a racist who punched a man for not bringing him his dinner, so just watch the video and see for yourself.

[$74,900]
Classic Ford Broncos are a US company who fix up and pimp out old Ford Broncos, because if they restored old Cadillacs their name would make no god damn sense. This 1974 wooden bronco is a one of a kind restore job available to one lucky person with $74,900 to spaff in their general direction. The car itself is powered by a fuel-injected 302 V8 engine and comes with automatic transmission, power steering, power disc brakes, and a shitload of wood stuck to its bodywork. The wood is marine-grade, which I assume makes it waterproof, but I don't know what I'm talking about, so don't trust me. I could've made this car up for all you know. I probably have.