[$24.98]
What are your favourite smells? Wet dog. New car. Post Coital Disappointment? Well that's a shame, because Cool Material don't make craft candles that smell of any of those things (yet). But they do make ones that smell of Coffee and Cigarettes, Tobacco Humidor, Barber Shop and Public Library. So if you've ever wanted your home to stink of Nescafe, smokes, hair and old lady urine you're in for a ruddy treat you are. Since they're 16 ounces each these candles will last for approximately "a period of time" and they're made from soy wax, so if you're vegan you can eat them, if you want. I'm honestly not bothered mate. Do what you want with them.

[$12]
There’s no classy way to advertise this product, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. If you want to find traces of spunk, spooge, tears, blood, mucus, shit, or any other bodily fluids the Luminol Crime Scene Spray is the tool for you. A perfect valentines gift for your jizzy beloved, Luminol contains highly reactive reagents which can detect spillages even after they’ve been wiped up. I used this spray at your Grandma’s house. The resulting glow left me blind.

[$19.90]
Some people are accused of acting as if their farts don’t stink, a pleasant response to someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else. Well now you can be, with these Rose Scented Farts Pills. Once you pop one of these in your gob your formerly wretched guffs will turn from acrid to aromatic. People will invite you to house parties just to fart in their faces. You may even get a new job from it. Brazilian fart porn doesn’t make itself you know! All we need now is for someone to make a pill that transforms your shit into chocolate pudding and we’re set! Someone tried to convince me we already had such a pill. I won’t make that mistake again.

[$19.40] / [£6.99]
The Romans used a sponge on a stick, some societies still use their hands, but aren’t we just as bad? For years we’ve wiped our arses with plain old white crinkled paper, so it’s time for a change. Until we figure out how to use the three seashells method from Demolition Man we’re going to have to stick to paper, literally, with our excrement. Isn’t that a lovely image. Renova have brought out a range of coloured crack wipes that are lightly scented, soft and absorbent…until you use them to scrape up last night’s takeaway of course. Coming in packs of six, they even do a brown version, which is funny, because that’s the colour of poo. Unless you’re ill, in which case they also do yellow and red versions. I’d suggest you go to the doctor before buying fancy bot paper though.

Is your picky anus still not satisfied? How about glow in the dark bog roll or designer plop rubs. And even shiny shiny gold bumkerchiefs, like what the Queen probably uses when she’s run out of swans.

[$12.59] / [£7.99]
Anyone remember reading Of Mice and Men in school, and laughing about how the character Curley used to have one hand in a glove full of Vaseline to keep it nice and soft for his wife? Well if you want to give someone a ruddy good stroking without having to keep your hand gunked up all day, then some Hand Shit will do the trick. Packed with Vitamin E, this beeswax based goop comes in Apple Blossom, Honeysuckle Sage, Jasmine Fig and Sweet Pea Lilac. Fuck knows what any of that smells like, but your hands will stink of it after you rub it on. You’d better find out unless you want to be known as Professor Stink Fists.

[$7.89] / [£4.99]
I’m not ashamed to admit that as a modern man I occasionally wear lip balm. Why? Because sometimes my lips get chapped and I don’t want to look like a 19th Century herpes riddled whore, that’s why. It’s much nicer for ladies and gents to say “I’m just getting out my Lip Shit than lip balm, so here we are. There are many flavours of this beeswax based balm, such as Asian Pear with Peppermint, Coconut and Basil, Cucumber and Mint and Lemonade with Hibiscus. Imagine licking these off the gob of someone you fancy. Feels good right? So buy some already. The best part is, it isn’t made with actual shit! Bonus!

[$6.95] / [£4.25]
Get even more manly by using the ManHands scented soaps, scents include... Bacon, Baseball Glove, Beer, Bonfire, Cedar Log Cabin, Pizza, Top Soil and Lap Dance. I'm trying to imagine what a lap dance smells like right now...