[$36]
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[£169.99]
The Nerf N Strike Elite Terrascout Remote Control Drone Blaster has the longest product name since the Gillette Fusion Hyperslice Macho Genocide 9/11 Truth Bonecruncher 9000 Grizzly Urban Power Cock Donkey Punch Razor 2 - The Conjuring. But it's still a pretty nifty little bit of kit for faffing with on Christmas Day. This Nerf-firing drone also films live video of your vicious foam assaults, making them far more accountable than the actual military. There will be no undocumented war crimes here little Timmy, and with all operations including drone movement, camera shots and dart deployment all handled by a single controller, you'll terrorise babies, grandma and small animals with ease. However, the Nerf N Strike Drone can only be purchased at one place, as it's a Toys R Us exclusive…just like Geoffrey's nudes, the massive giraffe pervert.

[$19.89]
The Hornet claims to be the world's smallest stun gun, and with 6,000,000 volts packed into this baby who are you to argue? Nobody, that's who, because I'll shock your nuts right off if you even look at me wrong. It also comes with a flashlight, you know, so you can see who's trying to molest you before you zap them in the throat. Weighing less than 2 ounces and measuring just half an inch thick, the Hornet is discrete enough to carry with you at all times. So the next time the dog's barking too loudly, the kids are playing up or your bound and gagged partner needs a little love shock, the Hornet will be on hand to fulfil all of your brutal, tasing requirements.

[$79]
Are you paranoid that the Government wants to take away your right to bear razorblades, dollar bills, tic-tacs and cheese strings? Then just purchase one of these Premium Concealed Carry Belts, and they'll never find your precious treasure, no matter how much the Feds pat you down. Items can be stored within the belt's three hidden pouches, and the belt itself is made of strong English harness leather. Also, its buckle is apparently so strong it could easily break a car window. I don't know why that would ever be necessary, but I guess it doesn't hurt to know. Available in various sizes from anorexic through to morbidly obese, this belt can also be used to store bullets, secrets, wasps, love notes, candy bars, toilet paper and rice.

[$354]
Guns are cool, everyone knows that. You can and must shoot anyone and everyone if you own a gun, because otherwise they might take it off you. But sometimes when you and your gun are chillaxing at the gentleman's spa, you don't want to go murdering anyone, you merely want to give them a warning with a large metal cylinder fired gently at their face. So let's introduce the Can Cannon Soda Can Launcher, which is a gas-ported barrel that allows you to adapt your AR-15 or M16 rifle into something slightly less lethal. Capable of spaffing off 12oz and 16oz cans an average of 105 yards; you can also shoot tennis balls, nets, small rodents and a harpoon if you're proper mental.

[$169.95]
Baseballs was invented by Ken Baseballs in 1998 after he watched a preview screening of the Matrix and thought "they should beat each other with bats instead of all this pissing about." He later added a ball to the game, and hence the game of basingballs we know and love was born. And if you want to have a play of basersballs then you need one of these Custom Louisville Slugger Bats, then you can hit the ball dead hard towards the end zone or whatever. Get em made in whatever colour, shape and wood you want…except balsa wood probably.

[$25.59] / [£19.99]
Whiskey tastes better when there's a bullet jammed in the glass you're drinking it from. That's just a stone cold fact. So I suppose that's why this Bulletproof Whiskey Glass exists, with a real .308 calibre bullet wedged right in there on the side. You could try and make one of these at home if you wanted. It's super easy. I managed to lodge a bullet into a glass last week. I say glass, it was my neighbour's skull. And I say bullet, it was an axe. And I say last week, I plan to do it tomorrow. But still, isn't it a nice glass?

[$50]
Whether you're opening letters or cleaving apart the throats of co-workers, it's always good to have a knife in the office. This Ameland Letter Opener was designed by Enzo Mari (no idea) for Danese Milano (who?) in 1951 (when?). Formed from a single piece of twisted steel, this 8.7 inch blade will make short work of paper and flesh alike.

[$35.96]
Has your work colleague seen you slacking off playing World of Warcraft at your desk? Perhaps the woman who sits next to you noticed you took 40 minutes to have a dump yesterday. If so, why not blind your enemies / coworkers with this Mini Toothpick Crossbow. With a range of thirty to fifty feet, this mini maiming device can cause trauma to human flesh and soda cans alike. You could probably use it to reenact the Battle of Hastings using mice too, if you wanted.

[$174]
Liu Kang. Super Mario. The Human Torch. What do they all have in common? Yes, obviously they’re all a Sagittarius but what else? Oh yeah, they can shoot fire from their hands, and now so can you thanks to the Pyro Handheld Fire Shooter. You know something is cool when it requires you to watch a safety video in full before purchasing. Using flash cotton and a wrist mounted holster you can use this device for one of two things. 1.) Become a dorky magician. Or 2; roam the streets fighting crime / committing crime. I’d call myself Captain Cystitis, because nothing burns like me.

[$28]
If you always wanted a set of toy soldiers but hated the idea of glorifying the slaughter of tiny plastic green men, then you’re an idiot, they’re plastic! But don’t worry, because now Yoga Joes’ Green Army Men Toys have the perfect gift for you. This pack of nine plastic army men in yoga positions comes with a mini yoga studio to keep them in, and is a lovely gift for adults and children. The only unrealistic aspect of these toys is that the soldiers are fully kitted out. We all know our government loves sending underfunded soldiers into battle wearing just their underwear and a smile. Maybe that should be the theme of the next set.

[$25.99] / [£68.26]
How often have you had an argument with a friend or relative and wanted to injure them. Not so much that it warrants a hospital trip and police investigation, but not so little as to not even leave a mark. Hey presto, here’s a 40 Caliber Blowgun to dart your enemies into submission. This 36 inch blowpipe comes with 8 4 inch darts and a bunch of other accessories to help poke tiny holes in everyone you know. One of the accessories is a mouth-guard, which prevents you sucking in your own darts like Wile E Coyote. This is especially helpful if you’ve dipped them in rat-poison and cat poo. Not that you should.

[$17.56] / [£55.80]
Take you pool sports to the next level with these Inflatable Wooden Jousting Logs and matching Jousting sticks! Challenge anyone and everyone to become the ultimate gladiator.