[$7.88] / [£5]
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve used my teeth as a bottle opener, which is mostly because I’ve drunk away the memories. People use shoes, table-tops and the anuses of small mammals to crack open a cold one, but the Split Ring Bottle Opener solves that problem easily. This nickel-plated iron bottle opener masquerades as a keyring, ensuring you don’t come off as the alcoholic weirdo who always carries a bottle opener everywhere you go.

[$12.03] / [£7.48]
As our lives become ever meaningless cycles of repetition, self-loathing and Netflix, many turn to the booze. But what to do with those empty bottles littering your home as a testament to your failure? Illuminate your hideous face of course! The Bottlelight is a rechargeable cork-shaped USB light, enabling you to jam it into bottles to make an interesting table feature. They charge in one hour and last three, so next time your other half comes home to find you drunk in a puddle of your own filth, you can simply claim you were collecting bottles to decorate your home with fine ornaments…before hurling a bottle at their ungrateful face.

[$153.14] / [£79.62]
This elegant ten inch Cork Globe is a lovely way to document the countries you’ve visited around the world. OR just stick pins in the countries you hate, identify countries riddled with Ebola, document the ever-expanding Russian Empire, play “guess the Isis stronghold”, which nations will behead you if they find bags of cocaine up your arse…there are so many possibilities! I’ve bought one of these, and on mine I’ve gouged out Scotland with a dessert spoon. It’s not a real country anyway.