[$189] / [£130]
If you offered me a Floyd Leg for $189 I’d probably assume you meant one of Mayweather’s, and to be honest I’d pay double to see that man in a wheelchair. However the Floyd Leg is actually a clever piece of thinking that allows you to turn any flat surface into a table. This kit comprises of four powder coated metal legs which clamp on to any surface to make a table. 29 inches high, they are simple, portable, and require no tools to attach. So now you can make a dinner table from Grandma’s gravestone, just like you always wanted.

[$14.70] / [£10.24]
Unfortunately if you came here looking for a way you could pay to stamp on Nicolas Cage’s face we can’t help you, although if we’re honest his career has gone so shit so quickly he’d probably let you do it for free just to lick the gum off your shoe. This Nicolas Cage Face Stamp is of the inky variety, and I’m going to assume you know how a stamp works so let’s not concern ourselves with that. This is made from wood and rubber, just like Nicolas Cage’s face. That doesn’t make any sense. Leave me alone.

[$22.09] / [£16.99]
If you were hoping for a book where people put their penises into ground meat then you'll be sorely disappointed in the Pornburger Recipe Book, as there's not a single quarter pounder creampie or whipped patty bukkake to be seen. However, what you will find in here is 300 plus pages of delicious burger-based recipes courtesy of self-described burger nonce Mathew Ramsey. I suppose you could just draw boobs on the burgers if you're desperate.

[$15.59] / [£11.99]
Pornogami Pornographic Origami is a great gift for someone you haven't slept with yet, but whose genitals you'd really love to get a look at...albeit in paper form. It comes with 128 pages of erotic instructions for making paper penises, tracing paper tits and foaming great cardboardfannies, and makes a great gift for both adults and children alike. Except children.

[$169.95]
Baseballs was invented by Ken Baseballs in 1998 after he watched a preview screening of the Matrix and thought "they should beat each other with bats instead of all this pissing about." He later added a ball to the game, and hence the game of basingballs we know and love was born. And if you want to have a play of basersballs then you need one of these Custom Louisville Slugger Bats, then you can hit the ball dead hard towards the end zone or whatever. Get em made in whatever colour, shape and wood you want…except balsa wood probably.

[$45]
Who needs stupid electricity anyway? That's what I always say. Because of electricity we can't take toasters in baths, we have to run away when lightning happens, and we've lost some of the world's most enchanting serial killers. I hate electricity so much. So I'm really glad that this Jollylook Cardboard Vintage Camera eschews the use of power and allows you to take photographs using nothing more than cardboard and some holes. It works using Instax film and its body is entirely comprised of recycled materials, so as well as taking pictures you can be a right smug prick about it too.

[$21.79] / [£16.99]
The creation of beef jerky can be achieved in two ways; make yourself so physically arousing to a cow that it just can't help itself, or buy this Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit. If you're a fan of dried out old meat and you're sick of chewing on Donatella Versace's neck, then this handy box of spices and plastic bags are all you need. Oh, and some beef of course. Because why would they supply the ONE THING YOU NEED THE MOST. I despair sometimes, I really do.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.

[$13.09] / [£9.99]
How long would you be willing to wait for a coffee? A minute? Five minutes? Several f**king months? If it's the latter then great, you should buy this Coffee to Grow kit and find something to do for the best part of a year. Containing one massive Arabica Nana bean and a bunch of biodegradeable shite, after a few months you can wazz this cup in the ground and voila, out will come a coffee plant. Now all you need is a cow for the milk. Good luck growing that out of a mug you daft arse.

[$22]
This Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker can be used to create Taiyaki, which are fish-shaped waffles that you can fill with anything from red bean paste, custard, chocolate and cheese through to broken glass, nails, excrement and bleach, depending on who you're serving and how much you hate them. Made from non-stuck aluminium, there are two molds inside this pan, allowing you to make one serving for a normal person, six for someone on a diet, and 0.004 servings for a greedy fat bastard.