[$40.49] / [£29.99]
Do you like shiny multi-coloured things that sparkle and shimmer? Then you'll love this brand new range of unicorn jizz tinned for freshness. Oh, and also this Hologram Backpack is pretty nifty too. Made from tough polyester this backpack will ensure you definitely don't look like a back-spack, and it comes with an inner laptop divider, media port and a hidden port, where you could store a knife to stab people who laugh at your new backpack.

[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Some people like to throw their coats on the floor when they get home, but if you're not a fucking savage then buy one of these Kitt-A-Boo Wall Hooks and hang it up properly. These wood and rubber thingamajigs make a cat pop out of the top when you hang a coat on them, which is a nifty little feature if you've got little kids, but dangerously provocative if the person hanging their coat up has recently taken a bathtub full of drugs.

[$55]
My mum's nickname was the party bucket, but unlike her the Dakine Party Bucket can only take two bottles of wine inserted at once. Designed to fit around a typical five gallon bucket, the Dakine Party Bucket allows you to transport approximately "some" beer, "some more" ice and "a few" snacks with consummate ease. It also comes with a built-in bottle opener, eight insulated exterior can holders and some secret pockets for miscellaneous items like turkey jerky, lollipops or crack.

[$74.75]
Unsettle's Commutter Roll-Top Bag is the ideal solution for busy commuters who want to piss off an entire train carriage by taking up a seat with their flouncy new bag. But if you're not bothered about that then this bag will prove a godsend, as it's capable of carrying a laptop, tablet, your dinner, a spare change of underpants, rolled-up tools and a bunch of other shit all at once. Its water-repellent covering means nothing inside this bag will get soggy in the rain either, meaning both the bag and its contents should last for years. But if you're on seat 3A and this bag's on seat 3B and I see you on the 16:58 Preston to Euston I will cut your god damn heart out.

[$199]
Laptops are notoriously thirsty for juice, as are tablets, smartphones, handheld consoles and mains-powered dildos. But the HP Laptop Powering Backpack offers a solution, albeit one that gives you yet another thing you've got to remember to charge.The HP Backpack's built-in 22400 mAh battery can charge up to three devices if you've remembered to pack their respective chargers, and if you haven't, you could always jump in the bathtub with it on and kill yourself.

[£12.99]
The worst thing that can happen to you at a music festival is coming back to your tent to find someone has cut a hole in the side and shat in your sleeping bag. It is an undeniably awful experience, but it is also incredibly good for character building. If you'd like to guarantee that this heinous anus act occurs, why not cover your tent in this obnoxious Glow in the Dark Tape? Made from waterproof vinyl, your temporary abode is sure to be noticed from miles away by friends and thieves alike. If you wanted, you could even make a massive day-glo swastika with it...if it's that sort of festival.

[$27] / [£19.99]
It can be hard to spot your luggage on an airport carousel...unless your massive ugly face is on it. These Head Case Luggage sets come in large, medium and small – just like tumours – and each one can be personalised with the photo of your choice. I'd use my dead father to decorate my luggage. Why? Because I'm totes goth.

[$44]
There's just something about a brown bag lunch that makes whatever you're eating more delicious. But if you're still taking your lunch to work in this manner when you're 40, people might start to wonder where you are on the spectrum. This Marlowe Lunch Bag is a reusable and less spazzy version of the classic brown bag, made out of altogether classier waxed canvas. Waterproof, closed with a fold and coming with a single exterior pocket, you could probably carry soup in this and eat it straight from the bag if you wanted.

[from $96] / [from £55]
Men, women and children, we all have too much crap to carry around these days. Whether it's twelve copies of grazia, a drum full of rhino medication or a massive sudoku puzzle carved into a corpse, you've got your hands full if you don't have a handy place to store all this guff. Introducing the Frankie Weekday Tote Bag, a spacious and durable accessory made from thick 14oz cotton and hardcore reclaimed rubber, making it literally as tough as old boots. Whose boots? I don't know, some dead guy? Anyway, the Nylon handles make carrying a load of weight rather comfy, like a fat chap having a nice sit down. It comes in burnt orange, mustard and black, which is eerie as that's what I had for tea last night, and is lovingly put together in Chiang Mai, Thailand by fairly paid employees. No Apple-style suicide factories for us! Only the finest products made by shiny happy people are for sale on our site!

[From $120] / [From £64]
Used and loved for the last 10 years by every single North Face sponsored athlete plus everyone who's bought one! The ultimate travel bag. Made from a durable laminate material, the Base Camp Duffel is a beast of a bag. Resilient to be chucked around in-flight, or transported up a mountain via a yak. The small one featured here is 42-liters which provides ideal storage for trips three days or less.

[$199.95] / [£109.58]
An absolutely genius all weather suit bag for cyclists and commuters. Carries suits, dresses, shirts on the outside and all of your other gubbins (ipad, shoes, books, etc) on the inside. Then rolls around the middle bag to protect your clothes from creasing! Throw it over your shoulder and your off!