[$10.24] / [£7.12]
If people in your office are seriously starting to piss you off then you’ve got two options. Intimidate them by turning up to work in full body armour waving a Glock pistol and screaming “Death To The West!”, or buy this Co-Workers I Want To Punch In The Face Notebook. You’ll notice this notebook is quite specific about punching your enemies in the face. If you want to hit Carol from accounts straight in the groin with a swift tactical uppercut…you’re gonna need a different notebook. But if Chad from HR keeps on stealing your lunch / desk / organs…then it’s time to write that shit down.

[$44.99]
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books we had as kids? They always ended up taking you on a magical journey through enchanted kingdoms, haunted houses and futuristic spaceships. Man they were good. But has anyone ever made one where instead of all that, you got taken in by a brutal cult and molested with a cucumber? They have now, with this book that answers the question "Which Cult Shall I Join?" Scientologist? Mormon? Worshipper of the Devil's Colon? Find out which cult you should join today.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$8.99] / [£7.91]
I met my girlfriend where most people meet their partners; the baggage hold of an aeroplane. But if you're one of these modern twerps you might have hooked up with someone on Tinder. And if you're still alive to tell the tale, this book of Tinder Nightmares will give you at least three laughs, six moments of self-reflection and one instance of pure, unadulterated fear. Based on the famous instagram account of the same name, Tinder Nightmares is a book with words in that you can pay money for instead.

[$509.99]
Typing these product descriptions out is hard work you know. It's often difficult to concentrate what with so many OH LOOK HULK HOGAN'S NUDES OMG. This Distraction Free Smart Typewriter is probably something I should invest in then, since it allows for nothing more than typing, rereading and WOW DID YOU KNOW MARK WAHLBERG ONCE BEAT A GUY NEARLY TO DEATH? Wi-fi compatible and with a stupidly long battery life, this portable typing kerjigger can be synched with Dropbox, Evernote and Google Drive, allowing you to finally finish that novel you've been writing about HOLY CRAP THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR THE BUTT CRACK IS THE INTERGLUTEAL CLEFT.

[$499]
The Cubioo Laser Engraver is the most compact laser engraver in the world...until someone makes a smaller one, or they put this one into a trash compactor. Capable of engraving designs into paper, wood, leather and human flesh, the Cubioo is ideal for personalising keychains and small pets alike. The Cubioo's laser is so powerful it could even cut through the moon, as well as fabric, felt and cardboard. So what are you waiting for you non-engraving idiot? Get one of these and start burning your name into stuff!

[$149.99] / [£99.99]
When I was a child I drew some horrific things, and I always wished they could one day come to life and haunt my family as they did my dreams. Well now they can! Because some clever sods made a pen you can draw 3D stuff out of. The 3Doodler allows you to physically draw stuff in the air, with no computers or robots required! Draw a horsey, draw a sunshine, draw a happy kitty! Or just do what everyone else will and make a load of 3D penises, with realistic throbbing veins. You could even draw yourself some food, and the best part is it would be completely poisonous! Awesome! This set comes with a plug to plug it in, obviously. You also get two refill packs called Meta and Essentials, and there are three other types available too. The only downside is the metal tip gets really hot. However a bonus feature is the metal tip which gets really hot. See what I did there? Burn people AND draw 3D stuff? It’s win win.

[$15.29] / [£8.99]
Super thin salami, sliced as thin as paper, dried so thoroughly that you can write notes on it. Jazz up you desk with these salami post-it notes! Mmmmmmm salamiiii.

[$5.99] / [£3.65]
Make sending letters that little bit more enjoyable or get you kids to help you with sending the christmas cards? It's a win win, tastes just like chocolate, yum yum!

[$7.95] / [£4.99]
Post-it notes for the back of your iPhone 5! The PaperBack adhesive notes are designed to perfectly fit on the back of your iPhone 5 OR iPhone 5s, put one or a whole stack on the back of your phone and doodle, write notes or compile list at your leisure. There are 80 sheets per pad and each page has removable adhesive on most of it's surface to keep it secure and flat on your phone's back.