[$150]
In the year 2016 over 468,300 teenagers around the world were diagnosed with Bent Neck Syndrome, which is a real condition I've just made up but that might exist one day if we keep fannying about with our smartphones all day. To avoid such a scenario, some clever berks have made this Minimalist Light Phone to stop you obsessing over dead celebrities and terror atrocities for five minutes, because apparently you all lack any sense of self control. All this phone does is make and receive calls, store 10 numbers and tell the time - that's the lot. Oh, and I suppose you can use it to bash things too, if you want.

[$8.99] / [£7.91]
I met my girlfriend where most people meet their partners; the baggage hold of an aeroplane. But if you're one of these modern twerps you might have hooked up with someone on Tinder. And if you're still alive to tell the tale, this book of Tinder Nightmares will give you at least three laughs, six moments of self-reflection and one instance of pure, unadulterated fear. Based on the famous instagram account of the same name, Tinder Nightmares is a book with words in that you can pay money for instead.

[$8.95]
What's your favourite kind of soap? Is it soap that you have no fucking idea what it smells like? Great, then buy some from the Whiskey River Soap Company. Beer whisperers is pretty self-explanatory, as it says it smells like IPA insanity. Great. But soap for awkward moments smells like your entire life. What? How can you make a soap smell like success and burnt flesh? That makes no sense. To be honest, just buy the one that looks the prettiest. It probably won't smell like ass. But you never know.

[$Free]
The Amazon Dash button is a wireless ordering button you can set up to easily replenish those household items you buy every week. Stick it near where you use it, bam. I get that. It’s convenient. But…have they thought of the downsides? I should be hired to tell companies how dickheads might use their invention. I’d swap the stickers on your toilet roll and coffee. I’d order you 12,000 tampons because tampons are funny. I’d put the condom button in your kids room. Come on people, think of the consequences!

[$16.19] / [£9.99]
You don't know enough swear words! That is a fact, no-one you know does, in fact everyone needs this mug! Expand you swearing capabilities with the Periodic Table of Swearing Mug dreamed up by the geniuses at Modern Toss.




You could even get you mom a lovely Periodic Tablecloth (Tea-cloth) of Swearing!

Funny but slightly creepy valentines cards from Modern Toss. Try not to scare your potential valentine too much! Imagine if they didn't get it, they'd be freaked out!

[$17.79] / [£8.10]
Modern Toss are sh*tting funny, and this is a tablecloth with all there best swearwords on it! Arse it!