[$42.98]
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?

[$9.95]
I like to pretend I'm really super serious by practicing my super serious face in the mirror every morning. I do this by thinking about all my childhood pets that are now dead, and if you're also a super serious jerk like me then these Minimalist Playing Cards will really get your gizzards in a twist. Produced by Minim, these fellas are merely simplified versions of a normal 52-card deck, but without all those flashy features like colours, drawings and fun. They're also made out of PVC, just like my dad's favourite outfit.

[$45]
Who needs stupid electricity anyway? That's what I always say. Because of electricity we can't take toasters in baths, we have to run away when lightning happens, and we've lost some of the world's most enchanting serial killers. I hate electricity so much. So I'm really glad that this Jollylook Cardboard Vintage Camera eschews the use of power and allows you to take photographs using nothing more than cardboard and some holes. It works using Instax film and its body is entirely comprised of recycled materials, so as well as taking pictures you can be a right smug prick about it too.

[$149]
Not enough stuff does enough stuff for my liking. My shoes don't tell me the time, I can't take a dump in my sofa, and my toaster won't have sex with me despite years of flirting. The volterman smart wallet is an exception, though, as this saucy little cash holder will also charge your phone, provide a wi-fi hotspot, alert you using bluetooth and it even lets you track the bastard using gps technology. And if that wasn't enough for you you greedy bastard, the volterman also comes with a memory card, RFID protection and a thief detection camera. I have my own thief detection camera though. It's called my sight. It goes well with my thief repellant tool. It's called a knife.

[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

[$4.60] / [£3.19]
This Take Off Your Pants Valentines Card is not only a great gift for your partner, it’s also a wonderful icebreaker if you’re chatting to strangers on the bus and you want them to remove their trousers. I keep a stack of these by my own bedside cabinet to remind me to take my pants off every night at bed time, because I am a very good boy. I suppose it’d also come in handy if someone’s legs were on fire. Wow, a multitude of uses for such a hilarious card.

[$29.99] / [£19.71]
When you’re out in the woods or in a bar full of hipsters do you suddenly get the urge to chop something? Me too! This Tactical Credit Card Ax may come in handy then. The stainless steel multi-tool fits into a credit card and contains parts to modify a stick into a tomahawk, ax, knife or small shovel, in addition to various wrench, socket and saw functions. It is made by Survco, a disabled veteran owned and operated business. Basically guys who lost limbs want to help you take other people’s with ease.

[$9] / [£6]
The Headgehog is a multi-purpose comb shaped like a hedgehog that fits neatly into your wallet. It is much more practical than carrying around an actual hedgehog, for reasons I shall now demonstrate. Firstly, combing your hair with a hedgehog is traumatic for both parties and can lead to mites, whereas the headgehog is a lovely and clean Stainless Steel hair-fixer thing. The Headgehog also contains a bottle opener, phillips screwdriver and a wrench. If you use a hedgehog’s mouth or anus to open bottles and bolts, you’ll have a dead hedgehog and a load of mess to clean up. With the addition of a money clip, chip clip and phone stand, the Headgehog beats the hedgehog hands down as a multi-purpose must-have wallet accessory, relegating the hedgehog into the category of roadkill slash occasional tennis ball.

[$39]
After a tough day of sending naked toilet selfies to strangers, my phone’s juice is usually shot by 5pm. At this point I’d usually whip out my portable charger to give my phone some more power, but unfortunately those things are so bulky that I accidentally sat on it and now it lives inside me. I wish I’d bought The Travelcard Charger instead, a ridiculously lightweight and slender little darling that fits inside your wallet ready to boost your smartphone’s battery. Compatible with Android phones and any phones made by Steve Job’s ghost from the iPhone 5 onwards, it comes in red, black, silver and blue and is the size of a credit card. Isn’t that nice?

[$45]
Are you annoyed about your huge bulging wallet ruining your silhouette when you pose in tight hotpants or shorts? I know I am. I could earn less money and I could wear clothes that weren’t so tight on my sweet cheeks, but that’s just not going to happen. Instead I’ll just buy the Billetus Carbon Fibre Wallet, a super compact stylish wallet made from aircraft grade aluminium. Coming in at 8.5mm thick for the minimus and 9.5mm for a maximus, they are the same thickness as an iPhone 4s, or seventy four wasps squashed into the shape of an iPhone 4s. There are various pricings available on the Billetus Kickstarter page for both the minimus, which holds five cards plus cash, and the maximus, which holds seven plus cash. It also boasts it will keep your business cards in pristine condition, so you can hand out contact details for your erotic animal boutique to strangers without them being all crinkly and junk. Order now to receive yours just after xmas, making it the perfect gift for people you don’t love enough to get them a present on time

[$19.95] / [£12.79]
A nice simple iPhone wallet case from Remora. Snaps firmly around 2 corners of your iPhone and holds one or two cards in place with a very satisfying snap!. The video below tells you all you need to know...