[£24.50]

Is this the droid you were looking for? Haha get it, that’s like the line from that fucking film isn’t it? I wish I was dead. If you’re as big a Star Trek fan as I clearly am you’ll love this Sphero BB-8 Remote Control droid is just for you. Not only can you guide its movements using tablet and smartphone apps, it also listens to voice commands…unlike my bitch of a girlfriend who just ignores them. Make Captain Jean Luc Picard happy by buying a Sphero BB-8 today…unless you’re too angry that I got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up. If you did, have a word with yourself.

As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

Note: This product is no longer available.

[$3,360] / [£2,315]
You thought The Cloud was that place you’d uploaded all of your pornography, but you’d be wrong. The Cloud is also an awesome multimedia device which you most certainly need in your life. This interactive speaker and lamp can stream music and create ambient light displays based on your awful music collection. It probably rains when Kesha comes on. If you ask it nicely it’ll also mimic a thunderstorm using sound and light, just like Storm from the X-Men when she’s wasted. Made from LEDs and hypoallergenic polyester fiber, these clouds are in high demand, so buy one now before Jesus sails down on his surf-cloud and batters you to death with his neon fists.

[$460] / [£320]
If you’re anything like me you came away from watching the Deadpool movie thinking “Wow, I wish I was a disfigured Ryan Reynolds in an all-in-one leather suit”. Well now you can get 50% of the way there by purchasing this Deadpool Replica Motorcycle Suit from Etsy. Coming in either full cowhide leather, sheep leather, or cordura and leather, this polyester lined suit is padded like an actual motorcycle suit and perfect for Cosplaying, Gimp Fights, or sobbing alone in your bedroom wishing you were cool. N.B. Sassy one liners and agonising internal tumors not included.

[$5.49] / [£1.99]
Those lucky enough to be born in America’s Deep South or in an isolated British village won’t need these Silicone Swimming Fingers, as your hands and feet are probably webbed already you genetically astonishing freak. However, if your parents weren’t brother and sister then these nifty fish-mits might come in handy the next time you’re swimming away from sharks. Coming in small, medium and large, these swimming fingers are lightweight and small enough to allow your hands extra flexibility – thus enabling you to strangle sea creatures at your leisure and then make a swift getaway. Neato.

[$74.22]
When taking a game of Beer Pong on the road it can be annoying when the cups slide all over the place, especially if you’ve pitched up at a funeral and accidentally drenched the corpse with precious alcohol. Sucking booze from a dead man’s suit is no way to spend an afternoon, but now you don’t have to worry about this completely fictitious scenario with the Truck Bed Beer Pong Table. If you own a truck, and we’re assuming you do, you can fit this to the rear with ease and be ready to party wherever the hell you are. Beaches, Barbecues, Child Beauty Pageants – all are made better by the presence of a drunken truck driver shouting “Who wants to play beer pong!”

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$229]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!

[$20.29] / [£14]
The Desktop Cinema Light Box is a battery powered table lamp which comes with 69 acetate letters, numbers and symbols along with 6 blank customisable tiles allowing you to display the title of your favourite movie. It doesn't matter if you like Schindler's List or Backdoor Thundersluts 5, you can write whatever you want on this lovely light-up ornament because it's your house and you make the rules.

[$40.49] / [£29.99]
Do you like shiny multi-coloured things that sparkle and shimmer? Then you'll love this brand new range of unicorn jizz tinned for freshness. Oh, and also this Hologram Backpack is pretty nifty too. Made from tough polyester this backpack will ensure you definitely don't look like a back-spack, and it comes with an inner laptop divider, media port and a hidden port, where you could store a knife to stab people who laugh at your new backpack.