[$114.99]
As the summer months approach there are two things you'll begin to smell - the delicious aroma of charred meat and the musty stench of hot garbage. So why not combine the two with this wonderful Po Man Charcoal BBQ Grill! This bit of kit is a fully working charcoal grill disguised as a regular trash can, so not only can you throw meat on it for cooking al-fresco, but inevitably some idiots will think it’s a regular garbage can and use it to store their trash. Inside you'll find a coal box, starter pan, skewers and a temperature adjusting vent, but none of this will matter when you realise someone has thrown a used diaper on top of your lightly charred steak. I think it'll enhance the flavour if anything.

[$129]
The Hot Ash stove is a portable wood-burning rocket stove which you can take anywhere you like to cook anything you like. Its primary and secondary burn chambers mean you can shove sticks or wood pellets inside and trust them to burn for longer than they would just thrown on the ground in a pile. Despite its small size it is also strong enough to hold a large skillet, meaning you can fry a smashed up squirrel or a recently slain woodpigeon with ease. Or you could boil water on it, but that's less fun.

[$359.99]
Burning things is fun, and it's even more fun with the Solo Stove Bonfire. Why is that, you ask? I don't know, let's find out together shall we? It's made from Premium Fire Grade Steel…oooooh. It burns wood efficiently by pushing the limits of combustion airflow and efficiency….oh my. And what's that, it's also lightweight, eco-friendly and durable too? Well bugger me with an aubergine; that does sound good doesn’t it.

[$174.99]
The Wall-Mounted Kindling Splitter could easily be used to execute a beloved family pet that was on it's on its last legs, but when I inquired if this was possible I was told it's "not in the spirit of the product". Apparently, you're only supposed to use this contraption for splitting kindling wood and not the brutal slaying of small animals. Spoilsports. Anyway, you can attach this thing to a wall with ease, and since its made of Swedish cast iron it should last you for years. But will you ever feel as manly as you do chopping kindling outside with an axe in an ugly check shirt? No. No you will not.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$119.99]
The apocalypse is almost upon us, and when it is, those with durable iron cookwear will truly become kings amongst men. Therefore, unless you'd like to sell your body in exchange for food come the forthcoming end of days, you'd be well advised to purchase this Barebones Cast Iron Kit. There's no f**king about with this lot, it's just a simple set of sturdy, reliable cast iron pans alongside some fancy oil, s**t to serve your grub on and a recipe book on how to gut and fillet a hedgehog. The last part is a lie, but it wouldn't half be useful.

[$19.99] / [£5.99]
Is your phone on fire right now? How do you know for sure? Is there smoke? Are there flames? You've no idea have you, you hapless fool. Thankfully, this Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case is capable of alerting you to the presence of heat on your phone while simultaneously protecting it. You could even throw your phone into the sun and it would still survive, probably.

[$199.95]
Smoke inhalation is literally my favourite thing about fire. I love breathing in huge gulps of the stuff and passing out for fun. If you don't share my passion for slow, gradual asphyxiation, then the Biolite Smokeless Firepit is probably something you should buy. Using a revolutionary technology called “something I was too lazy to read about”, the Biolite Firepit can act as a cooker, heat source or evidence destroyer; and all without producing a single plume of smoke. Oh, also you can watch your fire develop through a little screen...if you're into that.

[$174]
Liu Kang. Super Mario. The Human Torch. What do they all have in common? Yes, obviously they’re all a Sagittarius but what else? Oh yeah, they can shoot fire from their hands, and now so can you thanks to the Pyro Handheld Fire Shooter. You know something is cool when it requires you to watch a safety video in full before purchasing. Using flash cotton and a wrist mounted holster you can use this device for one of two things. 1.) Become a dorky magician. Or 2; roam the streets fighting crime / committing crime. I’d call myself Captain Cystitis, because nothing burns like me.

[$99] / [£33.77]
I set fires in strange places. Hospitals, schools, my Uncle Ken’s hair. But sometimes I’m too lazy to go to the trouble of burning actual things. When I need a quick firey fix, or if I simply want a little desktop ambience while I browse the internet and touch myself, I use the Tabletop Fireplace. This Fireplace gives off nothing but water vapour and carbon dioxide, and in return bathes you and your naked body in the light of yellow, orange and red flickering flames. It can heat up an area up to 325 square inches, and one quart of liquid will produce five hours of heat. Keep your games nights, cheese competitions and drug orgies piping hot as they should be. Or dinner parties, I don’t know what filth you’re into.

[$138] / [£94.99]
So you’re driving along a dusty road, beach is nearby, then suddenly it hits you. Shit! I’ve not eaten beef today! You screech as you swerve across two lanes to crash your car into a family having a picnic, jump out of your car and whip out your meat. Then you realise you have nothing to cook it on! Well now you do. The Front Runner Spare tire BBQ Grate is simply a grate shaped piece of stainless steel you whack over your spare tire when not needed. Then when you suddenly get a hankering to cook meat outside, you whip it off, stick fire under it and food on top, and begin to slowly develop your very own spare tire as you gorge on animal parts. Fitting 29 inch to 35 inch tires, it doesn’t come with a strap or anything, but meat juices might help it cling to your tire. Also read the questions people have asked on their site, one idiot asked if they should let it cool down before fixing it back to their tire. That person is a moron.