[$39.95] / [£10.25]

OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$39.95]

The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$180.95]
This SKID Wooden Chef Knife is a lie. A lie wrapped in an untruth, carved from deception and polished using nothing but the purest make-belief man has to offer. The handle and body of the SKID is indeed constructed from fine Mahogany, but the blade is made of Damascus steel. Actually, that does sound pretty cool when you think of it. This knife is also environmentally friendly since it takes much more CO2 to create a steel one than this baby. And if you spend a bit more you get a free chopping board, you know, for chopping up Mother Nature's finest creations. Nice!

[$79]
Are you paranoid that the Government wants to take away your right to bear razorblades, dollar bills, tic-tacs and cheese strings? Then just purchase one of these Premium Concealed Carry Belts, and they'll never find your precious treasure, no matter how much the Feds pat you down. Items can be stored within the belt's three hidden pouches, and the belt itself is made of strong English harness leather. Also, its buckle is apparently so strong it could easily break a car window. I don't know why that would ever be necessary, but I guess it doesn't hurt to know. Available in various sizes from anorexic through to morbidly obese, this belt can also be used to store bullets, secrets, wasps, love notes, candy bars, toilet paper and rice.

[$50]
Whether you're opening letters or cleaving apart the throats of co-workers, it's always good to have a knife in the office. This Ameland Letter Opener was designed by Enzo Mari (no idea) for Danese Milano (who?) in 1951 (when?). Formed from a single piece of twisted steel, this 8.7 inch blade will make short work of paper and flesh alike.

[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

[$30.29] / [£19.99]
Trying to spread cold butter on toast is like trying give tattoos to a moth. Until now your only option was to warm the butter up somehow, perhaps by placing it between your buttocks. But now the Spreadthat! Self-heating butter-knife does that for you. Coming in red and black, this handy gadget is made from thermal conductive titanium and it uses your own body heat to heat up in just 20 seconds. So what are you gonna do? Buy margarine like a poor person? Or eat hot buttery toast like a king courtesy of the Spreadthat!

[$29.99] / [£19.71]
When you’re out in the woods or in a bar full of hipsters do you suddenly get the urge to chop something? Me too! This Tactical Credit Card Ax may come in handy then. The stainless steel multi-tool fits into a credit card and contains parts to modify a stick into a tomahawk, ax, knife or small shovel, in addition to various wrench, socket and saw functions. It is made by Survco, a disabled veteran owned and operated business. Basically guys who lost limbs want to help you take other people’s with ease.

[$2.50]
Thank God for those boffins at Nutella for coming up with yet another essential tool for modern living….the Nutella Spreader. Gone are the days of using a knife, finger or pet rat to eek out the last few morsels of tasty chocolatey nut-goo, with this handy plastic gadget never again will you have to turn up to ER at 3am with your fist stuck in a jar. Don’t you dare try using this spreader with anything but Nutella though, because there are various horrific consequences. Use it with peanut butter and your arse bursts into flames. Try it with margarine and a wolf comes to eat your dad’s face off. Jam? Marmalade? Your entire family are burnt to death by pyromaniac squirrels. Be warned.

[$19.27] / [£15]
All kitchen utensils should be combined in my opinion, as it saves you space and cleaning effort. Although don’t combine a blender with a spoon like I did, my son looks a right mess now. But… stick a knife sharpener on the inside of a cutting board and you’re in sharp knife town my friend, population…erm, you, and some knives. The Knife Sharpening Cutting Board is a dishwasher safe polypropylene board with rubber edging and a ceramic sharpener built into the handle. No longer will you hack away at arrogant cabbage, nevermore shall a turnip mock you as you struggle to slice through its dense flesh. Your knives will be forever sharp, and your vegetables forever silent, as you dismember them like a bayonetted soldier in times of war.

[$9.59] / [£6]
I was in a supermarket yesterday unscrewing the wheels of a trolley for fun, as you do, when suddenly some nark came along and told me to stop. As we struggled in the frozen produce aisle amongst the findus crispy pancakes, my long luscious hair got in my eyes, and I was summarily ejected from the store, with my trolley quid still in the now dismantled cart. If only I’d have bought the Clippa Mini Tools Clip, I’d have been able to save myself all this trouble! The clip is a multifunctional tool containing a wrench, three types of screwdriver, a trolley coin, a ruler and a cutting edge; all in a 6cm long hairclip! This means you can undo everything on a trolley, which you’ve nicked using the coin attachment, then slash open a packet of jaffa cakes and measure your winky with the ruler. All before casually slotting the clip back into your extravagant mane of long unruly hair. A trip to Tesco has never been this fun.