[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.

[$99]
Whenever a foot, a fist or a really fat ass comes into contact with a pair of shades that usually means game over for your sunnies, but not for these Zerpico Carbon Fiber Sunglasses. The carbon fiber frame means they are as flexible as a Russian gymnast, and as durable as a Russian gymnast’s father’s protestation that he never once looks at the other teenage gymnasts. Maybe if he wore one of the mirrored or dark lens varieties of the Zerpico Carbon Fiber design, he’d have gotten away with it. The sneaky pervert.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$68.99]
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.

[$84]
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.

[$114.99]
As the summer months approach there are two things you'll begin to smell - the delicious aroma of charred meat and the musty stench of hot garbage. So why not combine the two with this wonderful Po Man Charcoal BBQ Grill! This bit of kit is a fully working charcoal grill disguised as a regular trash can, so not only can you throw meat on it for cooking al-fresco, but inevitably some idiots will think it’s a regular garbage can and use it to store their trash. Inside you'll find a coal box, starter pan, skewers and a temperature adjusting vent, but none of this will matter when you realise someone has thrown a used diaper on top of your lightly charred steak. I think it'll enhance the flavour if anything.

[$180]
Investing in solar power became a wise idea from the minute Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement and essentially grabbed Mother Nature right in the pussy. The planet is going to sh*t and there is not much you or I can do to stop it. However, what you can do is pay less for your electricity before the apocalypse happens. These Solargaps Solar Panel Window Blinds are a piece of piss to install, they store energy via batteries for later use, and they will reduce your bills by 70%. Just think; you can use that money to buy a revolver to kill yourself when the Ozone layer sods off.

[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

[$39]
The Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar is the only accessory you need to get off your face on the open water...aside from booze, obviously. With room for several wine bottles, four cup holders and a little space for ice slash meth, there is literally no reason to get out of the pool ever again. You may as well take a dump in there too while you're at it. But, is there a chance this device could lead to an increase in alcohol-fuelled drowning incidents? I truly hope so. Otherwise, what's the point?

[$6.43]
There aren’t many things that float in a pool which people appreciate, but these Inflatable Flamingo Coasters will off-set any anger people feel towards you if you’ve taken a dump in the pool. Coming in packs of 12, these inflatable pink flamingos can hold 12oz sodas whilst you lounge around in the water. This leaves your hands free for other things, like scratching yourself, splashing old ladies, and heavy petting. I don’t care what the pool rules are, I’ll pet who I went, when I want, how I want.

[£36]
What an awesome idea! Everyone is adding filters to their photos and filters to their videos to make everything look better. Imagine if you could walk around with a real life filter! The Tens sunnies do just that, they're currently on indigogo and they've smashed their target, get yourself a pair for the summer now!

[$9.99] / [£19.99]
Awesome party glasses, looking good Mr Monster.