[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[$649]
I drink water straight from the shower. I don't know of any other way to get water in my house. This Water Saving Mist Shower Head makes it so much harder to quench my thirst, but it does help you clean your filthy body with 70% less water than usual. I guess that's good. But I'm so thirsty. I wonder if there's water in the toilet?

[$8.95]
What's your favourite kind of soap? Is it soap that you have no fucking idea what it smells like? Great, then buy some from the Whiskey River Soap Company. Beer whisperers is pretty self-explanatory, as it says it smells like IPA insanity. Great. But soap for awkward moments smells like your entire life. What? How can you make a soap smell like success and burnt flesh? That makes no sense. To be honest, just buy the one that looks the prettiest. It probably won't smell like ass. But you never know.

[$12]
Nobody likes a rough, scratchy beard. But if your face-mane is all wiry, what else can you do aside from smear it with margarine and hope for the best? I'll tell you what, you can buy this Honest Amish Beard Balm and soothe away your straggling strands. The recipe comprises of entirely vegan ingredients, including avocado, pumpkin seed, apricol kernal oils and a load of other shite that sounds like it belongs in your belly. So go on then, smear it on your face and see what happens. Nobody will love you any more for doing it, but at least you won't look like a meth addict anymore.

[$13.95]
Until now, the only things you could drink in the shower were shower water, bubble bath, shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, shower gel or your own urine, blood and tears. However, this choice of bathtime beverages has now been expanded to everything ever, thanks to the SipCaddy Bathtime Cupholder. This handly little bastard sticks to your wall and can hold bottles, cups, cans and really big eggs probably. Although it's not intended for use with glass, but that shouldn't stop a renegade bath-drinker like you!

[$249]
Showers are the most inefficient way to clean yourself, but do the women whose bathrooms I keep hiding in appreciate this advice? No. So maybe now the Nebia Shower has been invented they’ll listen instead of calling the cops and bashing me over the head with scented soaps. The Nebia uses 70% less water than regular showers, but still removes just as much people-stink. They work by atomising the water, enveloping you in a fine mist. The Kickstarter is currently sold out, but if you don’t want to wait you can order the $10,000 package and receive forty shower heads. You’ll need to take 33 times as many showers to make it worth your money, but that sounds like fun, doesn’t it ladies?

[$17.78]
When I go to the toilet I let out inhuman screams nobody should have to listen to, mostly out of pure pleasure. Not everyone has as much fun as I do on the toilet though, so to pass the time why not buy this Big Mouth Toys Potty Piano. It includes a song book and is wipe clean, great for when you piss all over it whilst trying to play a sassy piano solo. My choice would be to try an Adele song, changing the title to “Someone likes poo”. Then do a poo.

[$12.19] / [£7.99]
When my kids asked me to turn bath time into a funky disco light show it all went horribly wrong and I had to send them to rehab. Save yourself the trouble of all those costly rehab bills by investing in the battery operated Underwater Disco Lightshow. The waterproof device (obviously) bobs around your bath providing pretty coloured lights. This is the only time that that people will ever thank you for providing a floating object in a hot tub.

[$7.49] / [£4.99]
Everyone loves a little sing along in the shower, well now in between washing your sexy bod, you can sing along to your favorite tunes with the shower microphone sponge, don't hold back! Let it all out!