[$149.99] / [£79]
Despite resembling a double-edged dildo the Powerbreather is actually a pretty nifty piece of kit. Many people love to swim, but as soon as they drop below the ocean depths they are suddenly hit with the realisation that breathing water is bad for you. If you hate drowning as much as I do then it makes sense to buy one of these pimped out snorkels, as they come with two adjustable breathing tubes for double the oxygen action. Each tube also has a valve to reduce carbon dioxide intake, so this thing might come in handy whilst riding the office lift with Andy from accounts and his burrito breath.

[$51.95]
Have you got a seriously hot neighbour you'd like to watch getting undressed? Perhaps there's a secret military base nearby that you'd like to scope out without being shot to death. If so, the AER GoPro Foam Dart is exactly what you need. This aerodynamic foam missile is capable of housing the GoPro HERO 3+, 4 and 5 models, and once its snugly inside you can hurl it as far as your weak little chicken arms allow, and have you GoPro film the whole journey. No longer will you need a drone to take sexy shots down ladies' blouses, now you just need a sweet pitching arm and a good aim.

[$229]
I taught my twin brother to breathe underwater when we were just five years old. And by taught, I mean convinced, and now I'm an only child. But if dear old Kenny had owned one of these Scorkl Handheld Scuba Tanks he'd have lived a long and fulfilling life, because these magic bastards let you actually breathe underwater like Aquaman or Steve Irwin's ghost. Each canister can be filled with delicious O2 via the accompanying hand pump, and once it's attached to your gob you've got ten minutes of air before you suffer the most agonising death known to man.

[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

[$19,900]
Would you spend $20,000 to swim inside a shipping container? Me neither. But apparently some idiots would, otherwise this mental Australian company wouldn't be selling these Shipping Container Swimming Pools. There are two versions available of these glorified trash cans, with their only difference being an extra 6 metres in length and a further ten grand on the price. If you're tempted to buy one of these monstrosities I suggest you do what I do whenever I'm feeling frisky. Go sort yourself out by having a bath or jumping in a garbage bin full of rainwater, and then ask yourself if it's still a good idea.

[$12.19] / [£7.99]
When my kids asked me to turn bath time into a funky disco light show it all went horribly wrong and I had to send them to rehab. Save yourself the trouble of all those costly rehab bills by investing in the battery operated Underwater Disco Lightshow. The waterproof device (obviously) bobs around your bath providing pretty coloured lights. This is the only time that that people will ever thank you for providing a floating object in a hot tub.

[$18.90] / [£10.49]
Apparently puppies know how to swim when only a few weeks old, but they also need to practice early on, so this guy wazzed a load of dogs in a lake and took pictures of it, I assume. I don’t know his exact process but I’d say that’s a pretty good guess. Underwater Puppies is a recipe book on how to boil dogs. That’s a lie, it’s blatantly obvious what it is, photos of puppies underwater. It comes in kindle and hardback and is a 128 page sequel to author (can you author a book of dog pictures?) Seth Casteel’s bestselling debut Underwater Dogs, except here they’ve made it with hot sexy young puppies instead. Kinda like when they remade Spiderman with a more youthful lead, I bet Tobey Maguire Dog is really narked off. The book has pictures of underwater puppies looking calm, stupid, shocked, furious, bemused, demented and sassy. Those would have been way better names for the seven dwarves.