[£25]
We all like Christmas jumpers, and by like I mean put up with. So how could we possibly make them even better? By making NBA themed ones that’s how. If my gran was a baller, and I’m by no means suggesting that she isn’t, she’d love this range of UGLY NBA Christmas merchandise. So far they only sell jumpers and socks, and I’ve no idea what they’re made of. The website doesn’t say. If I was to guess, I’d say elephant pube wool. I could be wrong. Just buy one and see for yourself instead of pestering me. I’ve got a game of HORSE to finish and my gran is kicking my ass.

[$129.50] / [£195]
Did you know that legally you cannot be classed as an alcoholic if you store your booze in a fancy kerjigger like this? True story. There you were hiding mini vodka bottles up your butt when you could’ve instead put them in this decadent 16th Century Globe Bar. This hollowed out 16th Century nautical globe can store approximately “some booze”, is 22 inches in diameter, and works as a fantastic place to also store your vomit if you need somewhere classy to lose your lunch.

[$7,350]
Hey, do you remember this bike from the 60’s? No, me neither. But some people did and they made a new one. Isn’t it shiny? The Rokon Trail-breaker has two wheel drive, inverted front suspension, hollow wheels, wider tires and many customisable features. I bet if you wanted you could fit a dildo to the seat. Imagine riding over all that rough terrain. Oh my. With its 3 speed transmission and 208cc four stroke engine you’d need just the one stroke to take you all the way to flavor country.

[£450,000]
The Jaguar E-type is the kind of car men want to make love to, and many frequently do, mangling their man bits in the process. But if you're confident you can improve on greatness then the folks at Eagle are now offering a custom-built Eagle Speedster based entirely on the original E-type model. You could add racing stripes, speed holes, an easy access dogging roof - whatever the hell you want! Jeremy Clarkson called the Eagle Speedster the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but he's a racist who punched a man for not bringing him his dinner, so just watch the video and see for yourself.

[$298] / [£299.25]
Listening to music on vinyl is a rich, fulfilling experience only spoiled by the fact that you look like a right twat playing records off a turntable, especially if you're sat on the subway. The Sony Hi-Res USB Turntable is the solution to all your audio woes, as it allows you to capture all the delicious sounds of old-timey record players into a lossless DSD or WAV file. Copy the tracks via USB to your PC, Mac or USB compatible trousers, then you can compress the shit out of them into an mp3 and store it on your phone if you want. I don't know why you would, but you could.

[$74,900]
Classic Ford Broncos are a US company who fix up and pimp out old Ford Broncos, because if they restored old Cadillacs their name would make no god damn sense. This 1974 wooden bronco is a one of a kind restore job available to one lucky person with $74,900 to spaff in their general direction. The car itself is powered by a fuel-injected 302 V8 engine and comes with automatic transmission, power steering, power disc brakes, and a shitload of wood stuck to its bodywork. The wood is marine-grade, which I assume makes it waterproof, but I don't know what I'm talking about, so don't trust me. I could've made this car up for all you know. I probably have.

[$20.29] / [£14]
The Desktop Cinema Light Box is a battery powered table lamp which comes with 69 acetate letters, numbers and symbols along with 6 blank customisable tiles allowing you to display the title of your favourite movie. It doesn't matter if you like Schindler's List or Backdoor Thundersluts 5, you can write whatever you want on this lovely light-up ornament because it's your house and you make the rules.

[$32.49] / [£24.99]
Ever since I played Super Mario Bros as a kid I've spent at least 80% of my life punching bricks in the hope that coins will one day emerge. My fists are now nothing more than a bloody pulp, but I could've avoided all this tragic mess if I'd simply bought this Question Block Light. Look, it's exactly like the one in the game! How cool and copyright infringey is that? Powered by USB or batteries the block also emits a little ping noise if you press it, but if you kick the fucker out of a window it makes no noise whatsoever. What a jip.

[$130] / [£99.95]
In December 2015 Adidas released the magical NMD shoe, which I believe stands for "No More Dads". After selling out on its first run this life-changing piece of footwear is back in stock in a range of new colourways including black with red and blue on it, black with a bit of blue on it, pink with a bit of white on it, and entirely white with a bit of brown on it - but that's an exclusive custom line only available if you step in dog shit.

[$299] / [£229.99]
I haven't seen the new Star Wars movies, but if I had, and if I liked drones, and if I had several hundred bucks, and nothing to do with my weekend, and didn't care what people thought of me, I'd definitely buy one of these Star Wars Battle Drones and smash it into some crows down the park. Available in Starfighter, Speeder Bike and Tie Advanced varieties, these drones also pack a set of on-board speakers, a revolutionary reverse propulsion system (no idea) and a top speed of up to 35 miles an hour. If you've got enough friends you can also have virtual laser battles in the sky with other drones, as each pad vibrates every time a shot makes impact. Or, if you have no friends, just get drunk and crash it into some bird's nests. It's what Carrie Fisher would've wanted.