[$50] / [£49.99]
Tannus Tyres have developed cutting edge polymer technology to create solid state tyres which cannot puncture or deflate. Much like my sister after too much booze, they utilise a unique foaming process to create these tyres, whichclosely match premium city bike tyres in the way they handle. They’re also much lighter and come in a range of pretty colours. You know what this means? We can now throw all our broken glass, tacks, and razor blades into the path of any oncoming cyclist. If their tyres burst and they collapse into a crumpled heap, well it’s not your fault if they’re behind the times.

[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$35,000]
This is the Model 3, Tesla’s latest fancypants electric car. If you’ve got $35,000 to lay down on a set of wheels then most sensible people would just by a $5000 car and fill it with 30 grand’s worth of hookers. But if for some reason that idea sounds distasteful to you then by all means, buy a Tesla Model 3. They can run for 215 miles without charge, go from 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds, come with autopilot hardware, and can seat five adults. But then again, so can my friend Honey, and she only costs $400 for the night.

[$99]
As the number of portable electronic devices we carry increases, so does our requirement for an efficient and simple charging solution. But if you thought filling your pockets with radioactive spiders would help then you are sadly mistaken and also an idiot. The Zolt multi charger is your real saviour, coming as it does with three USB ports and a bunch of adapters allowing you to charge tablets, smartphones, laptops, and probably a blender if you MacGyver the shit out of it. And when you’re on your death bed being slowly consumed by thousands of smartphone induced tumors, you’ll thank your lucky stars that at least you’ve got enough power left to view one more snapchat. Ohh look, Lewis had a burrito for dinner. I can die happy.

[$68.99]
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.

[$229]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!

[£450,000]
The Jaguar E-type is the kind of car men want to make love to, and many frequently do, mangling their man bits in the process. But if you're confident you can improve on greatness then the folks at Eagle are now offering a custom-built Eagle Speedster based entirely on the original E-type model. You could add racing stripes, speed holes, an easy access dogging roof - whatever the hell you want! Jeremy Clarkson called the Eagle Speedster the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but he's a racist who punched a man for not bringing him his dinner, so just watch the video and see for yourself.

[$74,900]
Classic Ford Broncos are a US company who fix up and pimp out old Ford Broncos, because if they restored old Cadillacs their name would make no god damn sense. This 1974 wooden bronco is a one of a kind restore job available to one lucky person with $74,900 to spaff in their general direction. The car itself is powered by a fuel-injected 302 V8 engine and comes with automatic transmission, power steering, power disc brakes, and a shitload of wood stuck to its bodywork. The wood is marine-grade, which I assume makes it waterproof, but I don't know what I'm talking about, so don't trust me. I could've made this car up for all you know. I probably have.

[$15,250]
Justin Timberleaf is my favourite music song guy, and now the clever sod has gone and made a camping trailer to! The Timberleaf Camping Trailer is easily towed by most passenger vehicles and provides a lovely warm place to sleep when you're out camping in the woods stalking your ex-girlfriend. Weighing at under 1,200 pounds, or half a Rosie O'Donnell, the Timberleaf comes equipped with a queen mattress, generous storage space, and a washing station. You know, to wash your lovely portion in.

[$20.36] / [£14.86]
Ask a friend where you can find a decent pizza place and more often than not you'll end the evening with diarrhoea, but consult this Where To Eat Pizza book and you're guaranteed to find a decent slice wherever you are in the world. Over 1000 experts came together to make this guide, so you'd better be fucking grateful, as it comprises both pizzerias and parlours, cafes and restaurants, all of which have been rated as providing lovely bits of bread with cheese and tomato on top.