[$35,000]
This is the Model 3, Tesla’s latest fancypants electric car. If you’ve got $35,000 to lay down on a set of wheels then most sensible people would just by a $5000 car and fill it with 30 grand’s worth of hookers. But if for some reason that idea sounds distasteful to you then by all means, buy a Tesla Model 3. They can run for 215 miles without charge, go from 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds, come with autopilot hardware, and can seat five adults. But then again, so can my friend Honey, and she only costs $400 for the night.

[$19.95]
Throw away all the tools in your house right now. Have you done that? Good. Now purchase this Ifixit Essential Electronics Toolkit, as it promises to replace 99% of the gadgets you use to repair household electronic items. I probably should've specified that beforehand. Oh well. This handy piece of ass contains a magnetized driver handle, precision tweezers, opening tools, a spudger, and all the screwdriver bits you'll ever need in a lovely portable carrying case. This set should prove especially useful during the short period between breaking your phone and taking it to the repair shop, you know, that time when you convince yourself you can fix your cracked screen using a Youtube tutorial and a Pritt Stick.

[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.

[$11.35] / [£12.99]
Do you need to learn Astrophysics in a Hurry? Why? Seriously, why would you need to do that? I dunno, to look smart at parties and get laid? Oh, good answer. I guess you'll need this book by Neil DeGrasse Tyson then, as it helps you to understand the nature of time, space and the universe even if you're proper thick like my cousin Philip. Related to neither Mike Tyson or Neil Buchanan, the author of this easy astrophysics guide is "a well smart bloke" according to Stephen Hawking, who I just asked right now because he's my mate. And everyone knows wheelchair guys don't lie, so I suppose you have to buy it now.

[$229]
I taught my twin brother to breathe underwater when we were just five years old. And by taught, I mean convinced, and now I'm an only child. But if dear old Kenny had owned one of these Scorkl Handheld Scuba Tanks he'd have lived a long and fulfilling life, because these magic bastards let you actually breathe underwater like Aquaman or Steve Irwin's ghost. Each canister can be filled with delicious O2 via the accompanying hand pump, and once it's attached to your gob you've got ten minutes of air before you suffer the most agonising death known to man.

[$180]
Investing in solar power became a wise idea from the minute Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement and essentially grabbed Mother Nature right in the pussy. The planet is going to sh*t and there is not much you or I can do to stop it. However, what you can do is pay less for your electricity before the apocalypse happens. These Solargaps Solar Panel Window Blinds are a piece of piss to install, they store energy via batteries for later use, and they will reduce your bills by 70%. Just think; you can use that money to buy a revolver to kill yourself when the Ozone layer sods off.

[€50]
Doing a jigsaw is a lot like putting a human body back together; first you must find all the parts, look at a picture for guidance, and the whole thing can be ruined when one bit goes missing. This Fractal Jigsaw takes that last part way too far though, because when each piece is put in place it looks like it's disappeared. Described as a "proper hard bastard" by Stephen Hawking, you'll chew your own lips off with rage before completing this pain the ass puzzle.

[$144.99] / [£92]
In ancient times some people believed the earth rode on the back of a giant tortoise. Now you can recreate that ever so retarded myth by gluing this Spinning Earth Globe on to the back of a tortoise’s shell and watch absolutely nothing of note occur. This 4.5 inch diameter Earth is powered by low-light solar cells, which means it’ll even keep moving on a drizzly Thursday in Chiswick. It might be fun to put this in an ants cage and watch them traverse the globe, as they eventually will when the ant overlords rise up and taunt us with their throbbing giant mandibles. The advert for this says it is mesmerising, so make sure you aren’t too distracted to notice a horde of ants climbing up your leg making a bee-line for your genitals. Or should that be ant line? Either way…be prepared.

[$9.38] / [£7.02]
I love practical jokes. Last week a woman was screaming “help me help me, my baby is sick and I need to get her to the hospital!”. So I came to her rescue and quickly showed her the way, to the nearest Greggs! Oh how I’m sure she laughed. If you like dangerously unsafe practical jokes then purchase the Wrongulator for a friend. This battery powered calculator gives you deliberately wrong answers, and would be wasted on accountants or boring office workers who would just end up ordering the wrong amount of pencils. Why not give this to a doctor so your nan gets twelve times as much Diazapam, trick an architect into creating a building with erroneous weight distribution. Haha watch out Mr and Mrs Johnson! Your family is at risk of being crushed to death! Oh my, what a jape. Best of all you could give this Wrongulator to someone like me, a self-employed idiot who does their own taxes. I’ll be in jail by the years end being done up the wrong un by a thirty stone maniac named Slippery Ken. Oh how I’ll laugh!

[$16.19] / [£9.99]
You don't know enough swear words! That is a fact, no-one you know does, in fact everyone needs this mug! Expand you swearing capabilities with the Periodic Table of Swearing Mug dreamed up by the geniuses at Modern Toss.




You could even get you mom a lovely Periodic Tablecloth (Tea-cloth) of Swearing!