[$12.32] / [£9.99]
What would you do if your organs suddenly fell out of your body? How would you react if Jesus came back to life and called you a prick? I don't know, and neither do the authors of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. But what they will tell you is how to survive an alligator attack, what to do if you're trapped in quicksand, and the easiest method of removing a tongue that is stuck to a frozen pole. There are also a few wackier ones too, such as how to escape from a giant octopus, and what you should do if a man in a costume is being over-affectionate. And if you're too lazy to read books like a great big nark then just look up the answers on the searchable CD provided with it.

[$44.99]
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.

[$33.90] / [£25.95]
Ever wondered what a woman's scream looks like? How about your child's gargling noises as they choke on a small piece of asparagus at dinner? Now you can find out and save these precious moments forever, thanks to this Personalised Sound Print some clever sod on Etsy has made. Available in several different stlyes and colours, your print will say what the soundwave represents beneath it. I wonder if they're prepared to lie? I'd love it if my sister thought her soundwave said she was beautiful, only for me to reveal on her death bed I called her a fat slag and had it immortalised in print.

[$500]
One day giant babies will take over the Earth. That's the way science is going. I don't have any actual evidence for that assumption, but it is undeniably true. If you want to blend in with those humongous infants then you'll need a disguise of some sort. I'd suggest one of these Creepy Baby Masks made out of latex and real baby skin. Although, I guess they're only creepy if you hate babies. Do you? What a terrible thing to say. Kiss that baby now before someone overhears what a monster you are.

[$24.99]
If you’re a geek and you’ve somehow persuaded another human to reproduce, then why not kit the whole family out in matching Nerdy With Children clothing. With retro references to shows, movies and video games like Captain Planet, Ghostbusters, Star Wars, Zelda and the Human Centipede (not really), these soft-polyester garments come in all shapes and sizes, enabling your whole family to look like one big happy family of nerds. And if your genitals are still in their original packaging, don’t fret, because those of you without families can just purchase these clothes for you and your living doll family to wear. You might even end up in some sort of documentary.

[from $12.95]
If you’re the kind of irresponsible parent who frequently loses your child then these Tottoos Child Tattoos could help the police identify the corpse. Personally I’d give my kids little tramp stamps saying Lil Slut or Wide Load. These temporary transfers are customisable and are supposed to help strangers identify the needs or owner of a lost child. I’d use them to write the following things. “My Son Is Allergic To Pedofiles”. “Jimmy Is A Prick”. “If Crying Do Not Hug”. “Hazardous Waste, Please Incinerate”.

Two of the very finest British design, engineering and luxury brands have combined there efforts in sports car and baby carriages to bring you the Silver Cross Surf, Aston Martin Edition. A worldwide limited edition of 800 pieces, the Silver Cross Surf is built on the precision-engineered Surf chassis and crafted from selected high-tech luxury materials, it cocoons and protects like no other. OOoooooh, I bet it's expensive!

Babies look ok but imagine if a baby had a moustache, it would be wonderful, such a gentleman at such a young age "Hey, that kids got a moustache!" people would shout, and you would get some great photos.

Another comedy pacifier we featured is the Billy Bob Teeth Pacifier, check it out.

Get your baby to start pulling it's weight around the house and save hours on the housework with this brilliant baby onesie mop.

Do you want everyone to laugh at your baby? Of course you do, get this hilarious pacifier and keep the little'n quite while giveing everyone else a laugh. It's a bit like the Humunga Tongue for dogs but for a tiny human!

What child wouldn't look cute in these animal hooded towels, well probably a really ugly one?! But the towels are still awesome.

Hang your baby up whenever you need to. Small enough to take everywhere.

With 90% accuracy, tell exactly why your baby is crying - amazing for new parents!