[$18.98] / [£10.95]
Ever wanted to glass a stranger in the face but not really? Well now you can with these Unbreakable Silicone Pint Glasses. Laugh in someone’s stupid face as you ram this bendy booze holder into their frightened maw. Made out of the kind of high-quality silicone you’d previously only find inside a stripper’s tits, these glasses can be stored in your pocket, frozen, rewashed, set on fire, pushed into a wombat, used to store urine, and so much more. They’re available in transparent white or opaque red. If you want any other colors, tough shit.

[$74.22]
When taking a game of Beer Pong on the road it can be annoying when the cups slide all over the place, especially if you’ve pitched up at a funeral and accidentally drenched the corpse with precious alcohol. Sucking booze from a dead man’s suit is no way to spend an afternoon, but now you don’t have to worry about this completely fictitious scenario with the Truck Bed Beer Pong Table. If you own a truck, and we’re assuming you do, you can fit this to the rear with ease and be ready to party wherever the hell you are. Beaches, Barbecues, Child Beauty Pageants – all are made better by the presence of a drunken truck driver shouting “Who wants to play beer pong!”

[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$99]
Whenever a foot, a fist or a really fat ass comes into contact with a pair of shades that usually means game over for your sunnies, but not for these Zerpico Carbon Fiber Sunglasses. The carbon fiber frame means they are as flexible as a Russian gymnast, and as durable as a Russian gymnast’s father’s protestation that he never once looks at the other teenage gymnasts. Maybe if he wore one of the mirrored or dark lens varieties of the Zerpico Carbon Fiber design, he’d have gotten away with it. The sneaky pervert.

[$84]
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.

[$15,250]
Justin Timberleaf is my favourite music song guy, and now the clever sod has gone and made a camping trailer to! The Timberleaf Camping Trailer is easily towed by most passenger vehicles and provides a lovely warm place to sleep when you're out camping in the woods stalking your ex-girlfriend. Weighing at under 1,200 pounds, or half a Rosie O'Donnell, the Timberleaf comes equipped with a queen mattress, generous storage space, and a washing station. You know, to wash your lovely portion in.

[$129]
The Hot Ash stove is a portable wood-burning rocket stove which you can take anywhere you like to cook anything you like. Its primary and secondary burn chambers mean you can shove sticks or wood pellets inside and trust them to burn for longer than they would just thrown on the ground in a pile. Despite its small size it is also strong enough to hold a large skillet, meaning you can fry a smashed up squirrel or a recently slain woodpigeon with ease. Or you could boil water on it, but that's less fun.

[$359.99]
Burning things is fun, and it's even more fun with the Solo Stove Bonfire. Why is that, you ask? I don't know, let's find out together shall we? It's made from Premium Fire Grade Steel…oooooh. It burns wood efficiently by pushing the limits of combustion airflow and efficiency….oh my. And what's that, it's also lightweight, eco-friendly and durable too? Well bugger me with an aubergine; that does sound good doesn’t it.

[$29.89] / [£22.99]
As Kanye West would no doubt profess, losing one's shit can be a traumatic experience. But while we can't help you with a bout of insanity, these Tile Mate Bluetooth Trackers can make losing your actual marbles a thing of the past. By linking with an app installed on your smartphone, these Bluetooth tracking devices help you find your lost Macbook, wallet, luggage or child by letting out an inhuman scream if they're located within 100 feet. And if not, one of Tile's other 5 million users will help find it for you. Or they'll steal it and not tell you. That's what I would do.

[$65] / [£49.99]
Are you kooky as fuck but too scared to dye your hair and pierce your face to prove it? Then show the world how krazy you really are by purchasing this Seven Foot Tall Inflatable Unicorn. This artful blow-up ornament is elegantly crafted from heavy duty vinyl, so you could try to hump it if you want. If not, it'd make an excellent centrepiece for a wake…unless your grandmother was killed and violated by unicorns. In that case, you might wanna give it a miss.

[$799.99] / [£549]
The ROLI Seaboard RISE 25 MIDI Keyboard is a piece of equipment which baffles me, but whose purpose I shall nevertheless attempt to figure out in exchange for money. Apparently it has seamless hardware-software integration, wireless Bluetooth MIDI capabilities, comes bundled with Equator and exudes a sleek, intuitive design suitable for newcomers and professionals. I guess it makes some kind of sweet music, maybe it's the kind of thing Kraftwerk would use? Ah apparently I'm right, as it's the world's first purpose built, multidimensional software synthesiser. Well strike me down with a frozen stool, aren't I clever? Fucking expensive though.