[$35]
Is this the droid you were looking for? Haha get it, that’s like the line from that fucking film isn’t it? I wish I was dead. If you’re as big a Star Trek fan as I clearly am you’ll love this Sphero BB-8 Remote Control droid is just for you. Not only can you guide its movements using tablet and smartphone apps, it also listens to voice commands…unlike my bitch of a girlfriend who just ignores them. Make Captain Jean Luc Picard happy by buying a Sphero BB-8 today…unless you’re too angry that I got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up. If you did, have a word with yourself.

[$199.99]
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

[$99]
As the number of portable electronic devices we carry increases, so does our requirement for an efficient and simple charging solution. But if you thought filling your pockets with radioactive spiders would help then you are sadly mistaken and also an idiot. The Zolt multi charger is your real saviour, coming as it does with three USB ports and a bunch of adapters allowing you to charge tablets, smartphones, laptops, and probably a blender if you MacGyver the shit out of it. And when you’re on your death bed being slowly consumed by thousands of smartphone induced tumors, you’ll thank your lucky stars that at least you’ve got enough power left to view one more snapchat. Ohh look, Lewis had a burrito for dinner. I can die happy.

[$99]
If you want to take a selfie from high up in the air you've got four options. First, buy a selfie stick and look like a prick. Second, stretch your arms out using medieval torture equipment. Third, throw it up in the air and hope for the best. Or fourth, buy an Airselfie Flying Smartphone Camera, which is compatible with both android and Samsung phones. Because windows and blackberry can go fuck themselves. Basically, it's a smartphone case with a drone camera in it, but you don't have to stop at selfies. Why not fly above ladies and film down their tops? Use it to scope out your ever-increasing bald patch. Or even give a tiny baby mouse the ride of its life and film the whole thing. Go on you cow, you know you want to.

[$29.89] / [£22.99]
As Kanye West would no doubt profess, losing one's shit can be a traumatic experience. But while we can't help you with a bout of insanity, these Tile Mate Bluetooth Trackers can make losing your actual marbles a thing of the past. By linking with an app installed on your smartphone, these Bluetooth tracking devices help you find your lost Macbook, wallet, luggage or child by letting out an inhuman scream if they're located within 100 feet. And if not, one of Tile's other 5 million users will help find it for you. Or they'll steal it and not tell you. That's what I would do.

[$199]
Laptops are notoriously thirsty for juice, as are tablets, smartphones, handheld consoles and mains-powered dildos. But the HP Laptop Powering Backpack offers a solution, albeit one that gives you yet another thing you've got to remember to charge.The HP Backpack's built-in 22400 mAh battery can charge up to three devices if you've remembered to pack their respective chargers, and if you haven't, you could always jump in the bathtub with it on and kill yourself.

[$150]
In the year 2016 over 468,300 teenagers around the world were diagnosed with Bent Neck Syndrome, which is a real condition I've just made up but that might exist one day if we keep fannying about with our smartphones all day. To avoid such a scenario, some clever berks have made this Minimalist Light Phone to stop you obsessing over dead celebrities and terror atrocities for five minutes, because apparently you all lack any sense of self control. All this phone does is make and receive calls, store 10 numbers and tell the time - that's the lot. Oh, and I suppose you can use it to bash things too, if you want.

[$99.99] / [£89.99]
The Wonderboom Wireless Speaker by Ultimate Ears is small, loud and waterproof. It's like Danny DeVito, except you'll never see it burst out naked from inside a leather couch. Because it uses Bluetooth it's compatible with pretty much any music jiggy on the market, and if you have two of these things you can even pair them up for DOUBLE SOUND. Or you can drive everyone mental by playing Rammstein from one and Justin Bieber from the other. Yes, do that.

[$19.59] / [£14.99]
Do you have a face like a slapped arse? Worry not you grotesquely ugly freak, for this Take Better Selfies Lens Kit is here to save you...probably. I mean you can't polish a turd; trust me, I've tried. But what you can do is take less crappy photographs of your unfortunately constructed mug thanks to the array of clip-on lenses included in this deluxe 5 in 1 kit.

[$199]
If you're about to buy a security camera for your home what's the first thing you look out for? Is it one that does the job and catches criminals in the act of taking a dump on your sofa? Or would you rather prioritise a camera that looks fancy? If you're part of the latter camp then you're a moron, but its fine, because the Hive Home Security Camera ticks both of your boxes. Boasting a 130 degree field of view, 1080p HD recording quality and a smartphone alert system, this security camera is one of the least crappy looking devices out there on the market. It was designed by the man who made Sodastream Source, so you know it's badass.

[$122.33] / [£119.95]
The Ultimate Ears Boom 2 is a portable speaker compatible with android and apple devices via Bluetooth. This madam has a 100ft wireless range and 15 hours battery life. You can connect multiple speakers to create an outdoor human centipede of musical fun, and connect to the UE Boom 2 smartphone app for extra fancy features. It is also waterproof, dirt proof, and shock proof. So if some prick starts a playlist of Tyga tracks you can throw the thing in the river without destroying the party. Perfect.