[$19.99]
I'm always shaving my beard all wonky, and no amount of elaborate mirror arrangement ever seems to help. I could shave it all off, but my youthful face means I become an instant legal prey for the local nonces. Thankfully I’ll now be able to avoid such a sticky end with the Beard Bro. This shaping tool helps you trim either long or short beards with precision. Isn’t that good? Although the name sucks a bit. I’d have called it the Hyper Glide Precision Beard Radar Cyber Slice Pro 4 With Extra Twin Prongs.

[$27.25] / [£13.95]
OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$189] / [£130]
If you offered me a Floyd Leg for $189 I’d probably assume you meant one of Mayweather’s, and to be honest I’d pay double to see that man in a wheelchair. However the Floyd Leg is actually a clever piece of thinking that allows you to turn any flat surface into a table. This kit comprises of four powder coated metal legs which clamp on to any surface to make a table. 29 inches high, they are simple, portable, and require no tools to attach. So now you can make a dinner table from Grandma’s gravestone, just like you always wanted.

[$3,360] / [£2,315]
You thought The Cloud was that place you’d uploaded all of your pornography, but you’d be wrong. The Cloud is also an awesome multimedia device which you most certainly need in your life. This interactive speaker and lamp can stream music and create ambient light displays based on your awful music collection. It probably rains when Kesha comes on. If you ask it nicely it’ll also mimic a thunderstorm using sound and light, just like Storm from the X-Men when she’s wasted. Made from LEDs and hypoallergenic polyester fiber, these clouds are in high demand, so buy one now before Jesus sails down on his surf-cloud and batters you to death with his neon fists.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$129.50] / [£195]
Did you know that legally you cannot be classed as an alcoholic if you store your booze in a fancy kerjigger like this? True story. There you were hiding mini vodka bottles up your butt when you could’ve instead put them in this decadent 16th Century Globe Bar. This hollowed out 16th Century nautical globe can store approximately “some booze”, is 22 inches in diameter, and works as a fantastic place to also store your vomit if you need somewhere classy to lose your lunch.

[$40]
Have you ever looked at a spoon and thought…I wish I could eat that? No me neither, but I am constantly wondering how I can somehow consume more calories with less effort. Thankfully this Edible Spoon Maker solves both problems! The machine works like a waffle maker, allowing you to slop in any kind of dough you want and form an edible spoon in mere minutes. If only there was some kind of machine that made plates out of gravy, then we’d get to eat all our dinnerware and never need do dishes again. Quit dicking around trying to cure cancer scientists and get on this!

[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$35.89] / [£34.99]
Whether you’re in the late stages of Parkinson’s Disease or you’re just a stupid clumsy shit, these Mighty Pint Glasses will prevent you spilling a single drop of precious precious booze ever again. The Mighty Pint Glasses are made out of plastic and contain Smartgrip Technology, which is something we may see installed in sex robots of the future someday. Smartgrip Tech enables these glasses to grip to any flat surface when knocked from the side, but without preventing you from picking them up. Because that would be stupid. And cruel. And stupid.