[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$84]
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.

[$65] / [£49.99]
Are you kooky as fuck but too scared to dye your hair and pierce your face to prove it? Then show the world how krazy you really are by purchasing this Seven Foot Tall Inflatable Unicorn. This artful blow-up ornament is elegantly crafted from heavy duty vinyl, so you could try to hump it if you want. If not, it'd make an excellent centrepiece for a wake…unless your grandmother was killed and violated by unicorns. In that case, you might wanna give it a miss.

[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

[$39]
The Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar is the only accessory you need to get off your face on the open water...aside from booze, obviously. With room for several wine bottles, four cup holders and a little space for ice slash meth, there is literally no reason to get out of the pool ever again. You may as well take a dump in there too while you're at it. But, is there a chance this device could lead to an increase in alcohol-fuelled drowning incidents? I truly hope so. Otherwise, what's the point?

[$58,000]
Finally, Donald Trump can go golfing in Puerto Rico. This Hovercraft Golf Cart glides over sand traps and water hazards with ease, and to be honest it would probably clear a small man if you weren't bothered about the consequences. With a top speed of 45mph forwards and 25 mph backwards, this vehicle is capable of whisking you away from tragedy and back onto hole nine in the time it takes to criticise a nation's relief efforts.

[£49.99]
Balloons burst. Bubbles burst. Small animals burst. These Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres do not burst. That's because they're made of some kind of sh*t that's all solid on the inside. They grip like normal bike tyres, have low rolling resistance and possess an equivalent give of about 100 psi. Do you know what that means? Then you ride bikes too much. Do something else. Read a book. Fondle a crow. Anything.

[€25]
What would you do with an inflatable, 25 inch version of yourself? Would you touch its special area? Send it to an ex lover? Or would you use it as a stand in for social occasions you can't be arsed to attend? The 25inchme company doesn't care how grotesque your reasons are for wanting one, as they'll ship you a 25 inch inflatable version of you, Hitler or your neighbour's son wherever you like in as little as ten days. No questions asked. Probably. Don't test them on that.

[$6.43]
There aren’t many things that float in a pool which people appreciate, but these Inflatable Flamingo Coasters will off-set any anger people feel towards you if you’ve taken a dump in the pool. Coming in packs of 12, these inflatable pink flamingos can hold 12oz sodas whilst you lounge around in the water. This leaves your hands free for other things, like scratching yourself, splashing old ladies, and heavy petting. I don’t care what the pool rules are, I’ll pet who I went, when I want, how I want.

[$98.99]
If you’ve spent the last six months avoiding certain food to achieve that perfect beach body then what better way to say “fuck you carbohydrates” than by riding a giant Inflatable Pizza Raft to freedom. This rubbery Italian delight is easy to inflate, comes with connectors so you can join with other pizza slice enthusiasts, and if you lend it to my mate Barry he’ll ensure it comes back with a realistic cheesy smell.

[$9.49] / [£5.99]
In order of preference for things that could be abusive, mine in descending order would be stepfather, relationship, graffiti-tattooed-on-my-face, and balloons at the top. Because these Abusive Balloons are exactly how I feel every time I go to some crap party. Whether it’s a birthday, christening or wake, undermine the emotional impact of the occasion with these sassy and rude balloons, which are almost as offensive as your stench-ridden breath which you’ll use to fill them. They come in packs of 4 red, yellow and orange balloons which read “Fuck Me You’re Old, Happy Fucking Whatever, and This Party Is Shit”. I’d like to add my own suggestion “Everyone Here Will Eventually Die”.

[$27.59] / [£75.60]
Picture the scene, some absolute hotties are sat sunning themselves on a beach. The sea is tranquil, the sand is soft, then you and your mates cane it past them with a few of these bad boys strapped to the back of a speedboat. You won’t fit this in your bath, but deflated it will fit in your luggage. 60 by 48 inches, this giant inflatable duck with a weirdly simple looking face is probably designed for children, but screw that. Why should they get all the fun? (Note, child purchased separately).