[$19.95]
There are some very specific problems in this modern world of ours. Some are annoying, such as terrorism or gluten intolerance. But others are downright tragic, such as the inability to charge your phone when there’s a sofa in the way. Thankfully we’ll never see another tragic dead iPhone splashed across the front pages of the newspapers ever again thanks to the Blockhead Side Facing Apple Charger. It works with every iPad and every Macbook, unlike anything else ever invented ever.

[$30] /
How many times have you been caught without a tripod for your iPhone? Is it four, more than four, or less than four? If it's exactly or more than four then you should probably buy this Pocket iPhone Tripod so you don't suffer extreme embarrassment ever again. This tripod is portable to hide in your pocket, but strong enough to hold an iPhone at any angle. Compatible with models made since 2010 now you can watch videos on the train, play music out of the rear speaker properly, or keep both hands free whilst browsing pictures of your ex-girlfriend.

[$86.79] / [£69.99]
Wish you could use different lenses with the iPhone to take ever more elaborate pictures of your ugly wife, disappointing kids and bland, tasteless meals? Great. Then you'll probably want this Olloclip set of iPhone lenses won't you, you fatuitous prick. Apparently these lenses have similar perspectives to DSLR cameras, but I don't care. They also include fish-eye, super wide 120 degree view, and some other bobbins too, but I don't care about that either. Look, if you're going buy this stuff will you just do it and leave me alone? Thank you.

[$199.99]
Ketchup is fun. Mayonnaise is fun. Combine them? Seafood sauce. Paper airplanes are fun. Drones are fun. Combine them? This Paper Airplane VR Drone Model Kit. Capable of speeds up to 20mph and able to fly for ten minutes on a single charge, what's even more fancy is that the drone's on-board camera can be synched to your smartphone, which in turn can be placed into the accompanying Google Cardboard headset. You know what that means don't you? This drone can be used to peep into ladies' bedrooms and recreate in virtual reality what it would feel like to be some kind of hovering pervert.

[$150]
In the year 2016 over 468,300 teenagers around the world were diagnosed with Bent Neck Syndrome, which is a real condition I've just made up but that might exist one day if we keep fannying about with our smartphones all day. To avoid such a scenario, some clever berks have made this Minimalist Light Phone to stop you obsessing over dead celebrities and terror atrocities for five minutes, because apparently you all lack any sense of self control. All this phone does is make and receive calls, store 10 numbers and tell the time - that's the lot. Oh, and I suppose you can use it to bash things too, if you want.

[$149]
Not enough stuff does enough stuff for my liking. My shoes don't tell me the time, I can't take a dump in my sofa, and my toaster won't have sex with me despite years of flirting. The volterman smart wallet is an exception, though, as this saucy little cash holder will also charge your phone, provide a wi-fi hotspot, alert you using bluetooth and it even lets you track the bastard using gps technology. And if that wasn't enough for you you greedy bastard, the volterman also comes with a memory card, RFID protection and a thief detection camera. I have my own thief detection camera though. It's called my sight. It goes well with my thief repellant tool. It's called a knife.

[$19.59] / [£14.99]
Do you have a face like a slapped arse? Worry not you grotesquely ugly freak, for this Take Better Selfies Lens Kit is here to save you...probably. I mean you can't polish a turd; trust me, I've tried. But what you can do is take less crappy photographs of your unfortunately constructed mug thanks to the array of clip-on lenses included in this deluxe 5 in 1 kit.

[$19.99] / [£5.99]
Is your phone on fire right now? How do you know for sure? Is there smoke? Are there flames? You've no idea have you, you hapless fool. Thankfully, this Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case is capable of alerting you to the presence of heat on your phone while simultaneously protecting it. You could even throw your phone into the sun and it would still survive, probably.

[$122.33] / [£119.95]
The Ultimate Ears Boom 2 is a portable speaker compatible with android and apple devices via Bluetooth. This madam has a 100ft wireless range and 15 hours battery life. You can connect multiple speakers to create an outdoor human centipede of musical fun, and connect to the UE Boom 2 smartphone app for extra fancy features. It is also waterproof, dirt proof, and shock proof. So if some prick starts a playlist of Tyga tracks you can throw the thing in the river without destroying the party. Perfect.

[$130]
It isn’t using GPS technology while you’re cycling; don’t pay attention and you’ll get lost, pay too much attention and someone will have to scoop up what’s left of you off the pavement. BeeLine have created an ingenious solution for cyclists who never know where the shit they’re going. This handlebar mounted device links to a smartphone app and can be attached to any bike. Once you set a destination you can give yourself waypoints or let your bike tell you the general direction like a compass. The waterproof ePaper screen gives you the distance and vague direction you need to go in, giving you even more time to look up and not ignore red lights like a dick.

[$ Dependent on service requested]
Still Googling things yourself like a sucker? Start using Magic, a 24/7 service who will order you anything you like using pre-supplied address and payment info. Their number, 83489, is shorter than the word Google by one letter, saving valuable finger strength for when your partner comes over. Costing just a standard message rate, they’ll order you anything legal; beer, flowers, a hot air balloon, although I’d like to test how good they are and ask for a capuchin monkey in lingerie, which is still technically legal.