[$10.24] / [£7.12]
If people in your office are seriously starting to piss you off then you’ve got two options. Intimidate them by turning up to work in full body armour waving a Glock pistol and screaming “Death To The West!”, or buy this Co-Workers I Want To Punch In The Face Notebook. You’ll notice this notebook is quite specific about punching your enemies in the face. If you want to hit Carol from accounts straight in the groin with a swift tactical uppercut…you’re gonna need a different notebook. But if Chad from HR keeps on stealing your lunch / desk / organs…then it’s time to write that shit down.

[$42.98]
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?

[$74.75]
Unsettle's Commutter Roll-Top Bag is the ideal solution for busy commuters who want to piss off an entire train carriage by taking up a seat with their flouncy new bag. But if you're not bothered about that then this bag will prove a godsend, as it's capable of carrying a laptop, tablet, your dinner, a spare change of underpants, rolled-up tools and a bunch of other shit all at once. Its water-repellent covering means nothing inside this bag will get soggy in the rain either, meaning both the bag and its contents should last for years. But if you're on seat 3A and this bag's on seat 3B and I see you on the 16:58 Preston to Euston I will cut your god damn heart out.

[$44.99]
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.

[$199]
Laptops are notoriously thirsty for juice, as are tablets, smartphones, handheld consoles and mains-powered dildos. But the HP Laptop Powering Backpack offers a solution, albeit one that gives you yet another thing you've got to remember to charge.The HP Backpack's built-in 22400 mAh battery can charge up to three devices if you've remembered to pack their respective chargers, and if you haven't, you could always jump in the bathtub with it on and kill yourself.

[$180]
Investing in solar power became a wise idea from the minute Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement and essentially grabbed Mother Nature right in the pussy. The planet is going to sh*t and there is not much you or I can do to stop it. However, what you can do is pay less for your electricity before the apocalypse happens. These Solargaps Solar Panel Window Blinds are a piece of piss to install, they store energy via batteries for later use, and they will reduce your bills by 70%. Just think; you can use that money to buy a revolver to kill yourself when the Ozone layer sods off.

[$199]
The Pup Pocket Scanner is a small, wireless scanner capable of capturing images and text on the go. Seen some interesting toilet graffiti? Break out the Pup. Weird stain on your shorts? The Pup will snap a shot. Literally anything that is scannable can be scanned with the scantastic scanning abilities of the Pup Pocket Scanner. And the best part is, if you accidentally leave it on all day, you'll come home to 3,945,985,472 pictures of your pocket. Hooray!

[$27] / [£19.99]
It can be hard to spot your luggage on an airport carousel...unless your massive ugly face is on it. These Head Case Luggage sets come in large, medium and small – just like tumours – and each one can be personalised with the photo of your choice. I'd use my dead father to decorate my luggage. Why? Because I'm totes goth.

[$50]
Whether you're opening letters or cleaving apart the throats of co-workers, it's always good to have a knife in the office. This Ameland Letter Opener was designed by Enzo Mari (no idea) for Danese Milano (who?) in 1951 (when?). Formed from a single piece of twisted steel, this 8.7 inch blade will make short work of paper and flesh alike.

[$509.99]
Typing these product descriptions out is hard work you know. It's often difficult to concentrate what with so many OH LOOK HULK HOGAN'S NUDES OMG. This Distraction Free Smart Typewriter is probably something I should invest in then, since it allows for nothing more than typing, rereading and WOW DID YOU KNOW MARK WAHLBERG ONCE BEAT A GUY NEARLY TO DEATH? Wi-fi compatible and with a stupidly long battery life, this portable typing kerjigger can be synched with Dropbox, Evernote and Google Drive, allowing you to finally finish that novel you've been writing about HOLY CRAP THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR THE BUTT CRACK IS THE INTERGLUTEAL CLEFT.

[$195]
My desk looks like a garbage pile. There's old food, the occasional rat corpse, and some miscellaneous ooze whose origin shall remain unknown. That's just the way I like it. However, if your boss is getting tetchy and you need to clean up your act while retaining the trash aesthetic, why not invest in one of these Dumpsty Desktop Dumpsters to store all your office crap. Measuring 11 by 10 by 8 inches, these steel containers look so much like dumpsters that when you're drunk you'll wonder if shrink rays are a thing. They're also customisable, with all manner of magnets, colours and lids available for the discerning dumpster dependant.

[$34.99]
Are you the kind of person who wants everyone to think you’re dollar when really you’re a broke-ass bitch? This set of prop money comes with 5 fake stacks of distressed $100 bills. The interior notes are blank but let’s hope the lady at the grocery store doesn’t notice. Wait, I mean the people who watch your movie. Perhaps you could make a porno about Mr Burns? Or maybe you want to make people go crazy by burning it outside a homeless shelter. Do as you please.