[$36]
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$99]
Whenever a foot, a fist or a really fat ass comes into contact with a pair of shades that usually means game over for your sunnies, but not for these Zerpico Carbon Fiber Sunglasses. The carbon fiber frame means they are as flexible as a Russian gymnast, and as durable as a Russian gymnast’s father’s protestation that he never once looks at the other teenage gymnasts. Maybe if he wore one of the mirrored or dark lens varieties of the Zerpico Carbon Fiber design, he’d have gotten away with it. The sneaky pervert.

[$499]
You say omatoe, I say Omata, and only one of us is right. Me. The Omata One GPS Speedometer is a super duper advanced GPS computer for cyclists to help them figure out where they’re going. But only on the street, not in life. The device displays speed, distance, ascent and time but nothing else, because really that’s all you need. Well, maybe directions to the local flower store for your relatives when a bus wipes you out, but hey, that’s not your problem! The Omata has a 24 hour battery life, is made from high performance plastic and aluminium, and your ride data can be jizzed over to a computer via USB-C connection. Great. Now your family can see exactly how you died.

[$51.95]
Have you got a seriously hot neighbour you'd like to watch getting undressed? Perhaps there's a secret military base nearby that you'd like to scope out without being shot to death. If so, the AER GoPro Foam Dart is exactly what you need. This aerodynamic foam missile is capable of housing the GoPro HERO 3+, 4 and 5 models, and once its snugly inside you can hurl it as far as your weak little chicken arms allow, and have you GoPro film the whole journey. No longer will you need a drone to take sexy shots down ladies' blouses, now you just need a sweet pitching arm and a good aim.

[$1030]
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat screaming my mother's name. She isn't dead, and she isn't ill, so I don't know why I do it. But every time that I do I suddenly begin levitating three feet off the ground, and it was during one of these moments I invented the Mag-Lev Levitating Turntable. Those are the words of Mag-Lev's founder, Kenny Magnets, and his revolutionary hovering record player will enhance the way you listen to records forever, or for about five minutes, depending on how long you use it for. Capable of playing at 33,3-rpm and 45-rpm, the Mag-Lev avoids all the shaky shaky interruptions you might experience from a regular non-hovering record player, and it also comes with an orange light which you can turn on to make it even more futurey. SUCK IT REGULAR RECORD PLAYERS.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[$99]
If you want to take a selfie from high up in the air you've got four options. First, buy a selfie stick and look like a prick. Second, stretch your arms out using medieval torture equipment. Third, throw it up in the air and hope for the best. Or fourth, buy an Airselfie Flying Smartphone Camera, which is compatible with both android and Samsung phones. Because windows and blackberry can go fuck themselves. Basically, it's a smartphone case with a drone camera in it, but you don't have to stop at selfies. Why not fly above ladies and film down their tops? Use it to scope out your ever-increasing bald patch. Or even give a tiny baby mouse the ride of its life and film the whole thing. Go on you cow, you know you want to.

[$180.95]
This SKID Wooden Chef Knife is a lie. A lie wrapped in an untruth, carved from deception and polished using nothing but the purest make-belief man has to offer. The handle and body of the SKID is indeed constructed from fine Mahogany, but the blade is made of Damascus steel. Actually, that does sound pretty cool when you think of it. This knife is also environmentally friendly since it takes much more CO2 to create a steel one than this baby. And if you spend a bit more you get a free chopping board, you know, for chopping up Mother Nature's finest creations. Nice!

[$159]
Try to fold up a regular skateboard and it'll probably just crack and you'll look like a dummy. But if you were to try folding up the Boardup Fold-up Skateboard it wouldn't, which is good, as I believe that is the point of it. Locking sturdily in place when you're skating and easily folded away when you're not, the Boardup is also the world's first self-folding longboard. You don't even have to do the folding yourself! Saving you literally tens of seconds, which you can now use to scrape your knees outside a bus station and remember Smashmouth lyrics. Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years…

[$45]
Who needs stupid electricity anyway? That's what I always say. Because of electricity we can't take toasters in baths, we have to run away when lightning happens, and we've lost some of the world's most enchanting serial killers. I hate electricity so much. So I'm really glad that this Jollylook Cardboard Vintage Camera eschews the use of power and allows you to take photographs using nothing more than cardboard and some holes. It works using Instax film and its body is entirely comprised of recycled materials, so as well as taking pictures you can be a right smug prick about it too.

[$229]
I taught my twin brother to breathe underwater when we were just five years old. And by taught, I mean convinced, and now I'm an only child. But if dear old Kenny had owned one of these Scorkl Handheld Scuba Tanks he'd have lived a long and fulfilling life, because these magic bastards let you actually breathe underwater like Aquaman or Steve Irwin's ghost. Each canister can be filled with delicious O2 via the accompanying hand pump, and once it's attached to your gob you've got ten minutes of air before you suffer the most agonising death known to man.

[$180]
Investing in solar power became a wise idea from the minute Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement and essentially grabbed Mother Nature right in the pussy. The planet is going to sh*t and there is not much you or I can do to stop it. However, what you can do is pay less for your electricity before the apocalypse happens. These Solargaps Solar Panel Window Blinds are a piece of piss to install, they store energy via batteries for later use, and they will reduce your bills by 70%. Just think; you can use that money to buy a revolver to kill yourself when the Ozone layer sods off.