[$189] / [£130]
If you offered me a Floyd Leg for $189 I’d probably assume you meant one of Mayweather’s, and to be honest I’d pay double to see that man in a wheelchair. However the Floyd Leg is actually a clever piece of thinking that allows you to turn any flat surface into a table. This kit comprises of four powder coated metal legs which clamp on to any surface to make a table. 29 inches high, they are simple, portable, and require no tools to attach. So now you can make a dinner table from Grandma’s gravestone, just like you always wanted.

[$10.24] / [£7.12]
If people in your office are seriously starting to piss you off then you’ve got two options. Intimidate them by turning up to work in full body armour waving a Glock pistol and screaming “Death To The West!”, or buy this Co-Workers I Want To Punch In The Face Notebook. You’ll notice this notebook is quite specific about punching your enemies in the face. If you want to hit Carol from accounts straight in the groin with a swift tactical uppercut…you’re gonna need a different notebook. But if Chad from HR keeps on stealing your lunch / desk / organs…then it’s time to write that shit down.

[$63.45] / [£53.33]
If you own a Mac then you’ll know they’re as delicate as a dandelion, as weak as a kitten, as fragile as a child with no immune system in a playground full of sneezing jerks. So why not buy this outstandingly durable Military Grade Macbook Cover? Designed for the 12inch Macbook, this military tested armor shell is what tough army guys use to protect their Macs when they’re chatting online to their family shortly before a devastating explosion. So you know they’re good. They also come in clear and smoke grey…just like an ejaculating robot.

[$20.29] / [£14]
The Desktop Cinema Light Box is a battery powered table lamp which comes with 69 acetate letters, numbers and symbols along with 6 blank customisable tiles allowing you to display the title of your favourite movie. It doesn't matter if you like Schindler's List or Backdoor Thundersluts 5, you can write whatever you want on this lovely light-up ornament because it's your house and you make the rules.

[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Some people like to throw their coats on the floor when they get home, but if you're not a fucking savage then buy one of these Kitt-A-Boo Wall Hooks and hang it up properly. These wood and rubber thingamajigs make a cat pop out of the top when you hang a coat on them, which is a nifty little feature if you've got little kids, but dangerously provocative if the person hanging their coat up has recently taken a bathtub full of drugs.

[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.

[$74.75]
Unsettle's Commutter Roll-Top Bag is the ideal solution for busy commuters who want to piss off an entire train carriage by taking up a seat with their flouncy new bag. But if you're not bothered about that then this bag will prove a godsend, as it's capable of carrying a laptop, tablet, your dinner, a spare change of underpants, rolled-up tools and a bunch of other shit all at once. Its water-repellent covering means nothing inside this bag will get soggy in the rain either, meaning both the bag and its contents should last for years. But if you're on seat 3A and this bag's on seat 3B and I see you on the 16:58 Preston to Euston I will cut your god damn heart out.

[$44.99]
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Too much of a pussy to drink coffee? Try this Wake The F*ck Up Tea then, you absolute nancy. Containing enough leaves for 50 cups (100 if you're a trog), this delightful blend of black tea comes infused with ginger and other natural flavours. Unlike coffee it won't make you shit yourself five minutes after drinking, but just like coffee it will wake you the f*ck up.

[$180]
Investing in solar power became a wise idea from the minute Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement and essentially grabbed Mother Nature right in the pussy. The planet is going to sh*t and there is not much you or I can do to stop it. However, what you can do is pay less for your electricity before the apocalypse happens. These Solargaps Solar Panel Window Blinds are a piece of piss to install, they store energy via batteries for later use, and they will reduce your bills by 70%. Just think; you can use that money to buy a revolver to kill yourself when the Ozone layer sods off.