We all like Christmas jumpers, and by like I mean put up with. So how could we possibly make them even better? By making NBA themed ones that’s how. If my gran was a baller, and I’m by no means suggesting that she isn’t, she’d love this range of UGLY NBA Christmas merchandise. So far they only sell jumpers and socks, and I’ve no idea what they’re made of. The website doesn’t say. If I was to guess, I’d say elephant pube wool. I could be wrong. Just buy one and see for yourself instead of pestering me. I’ve got a game of HORSE to finish and my gran is kicking my ass.

[$460] / [£320]
If you’re anything like me you came away from watching the Deadpool movie thinking “Wow, I wish I was a disfigured Ryan Reynolds in an all-in-one leather suit”. Well now you can get 50% of the way there by purchasing this Deadpool Replica Motorcycle Suit from Etsy. Coming in either full cowhide leather, sheep leather, or cordura and leather, this polyester lined suit is padded like an actual motorcycle suit and perfect for Cosplaying, Gimp Fights, or sobbing alone in your bedroom wishing you were cool. N.B. Sassy one liners and agonising internal tumors not included.

[$5.49] / [£1.99]
Those lucky enough to be born in America’s Deep South or in an isolated British village won’t need these Silicone Swimming Fingers, as your hands and feet are probably webbed already you genetically astonishing freak. However, if your parents weren’t brother and sister then these nifty fish-mits might come in handy the next time you’re swimming away from sharks. Coming in small, medium and large, these swimming fingers are lightweight and small enough to allow your hands extra flexibility – thus enabling you to strangle sea creatures at your leisure and then make a swift getaway. Neato.

[$99]
Whenever a foot, a fist or a really fat ass comes into contact with a pair of shades that usually means game over for your sunnies, but not for these Zerpico Carbon Fiber Sunglasses. The carbon fiber frame means they are as flexible as a Russian gymnast, and as durable as a Russian gymnast’s father’s protestation that he never once looks at the other teenage gymnasts. Maybe if he wore one of the mirrored or dark lens varieties of the Zerpico Carbon Fiber design, he’d have gotten away with it. The sneaky pervert.

[$229]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!

[$40.49] / [£29.99]
Do you like shiny multi-coloured things that sparkle and shimmer? Then you'll love this brand new range of unicorn jizz tinned for freshness. Oh, and also this Hologram Backpack is pretty nifty too. Made from tough polyester this backpack will ensure you definitely don't look like a back-spack, and it comes with an inner laptop divider, media port and a hidden port, where you could store a knife to stab people who laugh at your new backpack.

[$59.95]
For those of you stupid enough to be cajoled into buying one of those awful Apple Watches, the time has long since passed where you could make good on your investment. But, in an effort to prove the sunk cost fallacy, why not throw good money after bad and tart that contraption up with these Horween Leather Apple Watch Straps from Nomad. Apparently, Horween leather develops a unique patina over time, and I don't know what that means, but I bet it's not going to stop your wife leaving you is it? The straps also come with a custom 316 stainless steel buckle too, and if I was a betting man I'd say this isn't going to compensate for having no friends. Finally, these straps are also compatible with any kind of apple watch. Pah, if only you were as compatible with other human beings, you sigh, as you slowly draw the noose around your neck.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[$130] / [£99.95]
In December 2015 Adidas released the magical NMD shoe, which I believe stands for "No More Dads". After selling out on its first run this life-changing piece of footwear is back in stock in a range of new colourways including black with red and blue on it, black with a bit of blue on it, pink with a bit of white on it, and entirely white with a bit of brown on it - but that's an exclusive custom line only available if you step in dog shit.

[$79]
Are you paranoid that the Government wants to take away your right to bear razorblades, dollar bills, tic-tacs and cheese strings? Then just purchase one of these Premium Concealed Carry Belts, and they'll never find your precious treasure, no matter how much the Feds pat you down. Items can be stored within the belt's three hidden pouches, and the belt itself is made of strong English harness leather. Also, its buckle is apparently so strong it could easily break a car window. I don't know why that would ever be necessary, but I guess it doesn't hurt to know. Available in various sizes from anorexic through to morbidly obese, this belt can also be used to store bullets, secrets, wasps, love notes, candy bars, toilet paper and rice.

[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Some people like to throw their coats on the floor when they get home, but if you're not a fucking savage then buy one of these Kitt-A-Boo Wall Hooks and hang it up properly. These wood and rubber thingamajigs make a cat pop out of the top when you hang a coat on them, which is a nifty little feature if you've got little kids, but dangerously provocative if the person hanging their coat up has recently taken a bathtub full of drugs.