[$27.25] / [£13.95]
OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$15.59] / [£11.99]
Pornogami Pornographic Origami is a great gift for someone you haven't slept with yet, but whose genitals you'd really love to get a look at...albeit in paper form. It comes with 128 pages of erotic instructions for making paper penises, tracing paper tits and foaming great cardboardfannies, and makes a great gift for both adults and children alike. Except children.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[$10] / [£6]
This set of Abusive Gift Wrap provides you with four sheets of gift paper and four gift tags to really ruin someone's birthday, baby shower, valentines day or wake. The stylish font combines delightfully with the profanities to offer a deceptively classy appearance at first. But as good as this is, I feel the best form of abusive gift wrap can be made by wrapping someone's presents in photographs of them looking fat and ugly.

[$33.90] / [£25.95]
Ever wondered what a woman's scream looks like? How about your child's gargling noises as they choke on a small piece of asparagus at dinner? Now you can find out and save these precious moments forever, thanks to this Personalised Sound Print some clever sod on Etsy has made. Available in several different stlyes and colours, your print will say what the soundwave represents beneath it. I wonder if they're prepared to lie? I'd love it if my sister thought her soundwave said she was beautiful, only for me to reveal on her death bed I called her a fat slag and had it immortalised in print.

[$8.99] / [£7.91]
I met my girlfriend where most people meet their partners; the baggage hold of an aeroplane. But if you're one of these modern twerps you might have hooked up with someone on Tinder. And if you're still alive to tell the tale, this book of Tinder Nightmares will give you at least three laughs, six moments of self-reflection and one instance of pure, unadulterated fear. Based on the famous instagram account of the same name, Tinder Nightmares is a book with words in that you can pay money for instead.

[$11.99]
The worst part about a taxi ride is the driver being clothed - said no-one ever. Still, if for some reason you've always wanted to see your cab-driver half-naked, this 2018 NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar is your ticket to nightmare town. The calendar contains twelve candid shots of genuine New York taxi drivers - one for each month of the year, obviously - and a portion of the profits from its sale will go towards some kind of horse charity. Wait, no, it's actually a housing thing for migrants. Yes, that makes more sense.

[€25]
What would you do with an inflatable, 25 inch version of yourself? Would you touch its special area? Send it to an ex lover? Or would you use it as a stand in for social occasions you can't be arsed to attend? The 25inchme company doesn't care how grotesque your reasons are for wanting one, as they'll ship you a 25 inch inflatable version of you, Hitler or your neighbour's son wherever you like in as little as ten days. No questions asked. Probably. Don't test them on that.