[$27.25] / [£13.95]
OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$189] / [£130]
If you offered me a Floyd Leg for $189 I’d probably assume you meant one of Mayweather’s, and to be honest I’d pay double to see that man in a wheelchair. However the Floyd Leg is actually a clever piece of thinking that allows you to turn any flat surface into a table. This kit comprises of four powder coated metal legs which clamp on to any surface to make a table. 29 inches high, they are simple, portable, and require no tools to attach. So now you can make a dinner table from Grandma’s gravestone, just like you always wanted.

[$9.95]
Some people call them cookies, others call them biscuits. What we all agree on is that circular discs of chocolatey crumbly goodness taste even better when dunked in milk, coffee or tea. Unfortunately the United Nations recently declared losing half your cookie in a drink as a war crime, but thankfully the Dunking Buddy is here to help. Using a revolutionary technology described as “magnets or some shit”, this device can be attached to the cup included or any standard household cup to ensure you never lose a single morsel of cookie. It’s also proudly made in the USA, for any of you snackfood racists out there.

[$18.98] / [£10.95]
Ever wanted to glass a stranger in the face but not really? Well now you can with these Unbreakable Silicone Pint Glasses. Laugh in someone’s stupid face as you ram this bendy booze holder into their frightened maw. Made out of the kind of high-quality silicone you’d previously only find inside a stripper’s tits, these glasses can be stored in your pocket, frozen, rewashed, set on fire, pushed into a wombat, used to store urine, and so much more. They’re available in transparent white or opaque red. If you want any other colors, tough shit.

[$40]
Have you ever looked at a spoon and thought…I wish I could eat that? No me neither, but I am constantly wondering how I can somehow consume more calories with less effort. Thankfully this Edible Spoon Maker solves both problems! The machine works like a waffle maker, allowing you to slop in any kind of dough you want and form an edible spoon in mere minutes. If only there was some kind of machine that made plates out of gravy, then we’d get to eat all our dinnerware and never need do dishes again. Quit dicking around trying to cure cancer scientists and get on this!

[$35.89] / [£34.99]
Whether you’re in the late stages of Parkinson’s Disease or you’re just a stupid clumsy shit, these Mighty Pint Glasses will prevent you spilling a single drop of precious precious booze ever again. The Mighty Pint Glasses are made out of plastic and contain Smartgrip Technology, which is something we may see installed in sex robots of the future someday. Smartgrip Tech enables these glasses to grip to any flat surface when knocked from the side, but without preventing you from picking them up. Because that would be stupid. And cruel. And stupid.

[$7.25]
Are you too poor to own a dishwasher? Do you have to scrub your own plates like a pauper? Well maybe you should’ve tried harder at school, like the people who invented these Sponge Tipped Rubber Gloves. There’s not much more to say about these things, they’re latex rubber gloves with a bit of sponge stuck on to help you scrub stuff. It’s quite simple really, but did you think of it? No. Which is why tonight you’ll eat beans out of a tin and fall asleep regretting your terrible life choices. However, all that can be changed by buying these probably.

[$18.39] / [£12.99]
The definition of Netflix and Chill is to invite someone over to have sex under the premise of watching TV. The definition of Netflix and Grill is to involve grilled objects in this equation, which may or may not already be part of your sex life depending on what you’re into. Coming in both vegan and delicious animal varieties, these pan-packed ready meals can be thrown straight under the grill and your food will be done in the time it takes to get bored of Orange is the New Black – 8 minutes. This service isn’t available everywhere yet so don’t get too excited, but you’ll know when it’s come to your area as it will be marked by a sudden surge of lazy fat bastards getting heart attacks.

[$35.99]
Alcohol should always be drunk from the correct vessel, otherwise you look like a dick. Whiskey should be from a simple glass tumbler, champagne from a flute, tequila from a shot glass, and Coors from a tramp’s shoe found under a bridge. If you’re enjoying a Moscow Mule however, you simply must drink them from these delightful Mini Moscow Mule Shot Glasses. They’re made from copper, which helps to keep your drink cold and your appearance hipstery. Only one of those things is useful, but the deliciousness of an ice cold mule more than makes up for anything else.