[$36]
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$72.59] / [£49.99]
The Pocket Operator Synthesiser is a portable device which helps you create electronic music and beats wherever you are. It contains a powerful on-board speaker, runs off AAA batteries, and comes in three different varieties for different styles of sound. You’ll notice at this point that this description is rather functional and unfunny. Why is this? BECAUSE I’M SCARED SHITLESS! No longer will busker and tube-based song-wankers be limited to an acoustic guitar. Now they can pump out sassy beats wherever they like. Imagine the subway full of pilled-up raving lunatics stopping you getting places. The world will end. This device must be destroyed. Buy one and break it.

[$19.95]
Throw away all the tools in your house right now. Have you done that? Good. Now purchase this Ifixit Essential Electronics Toolkit, as it promises to replace 99% of the gadgets you use to repair household electronic items. I probably should've specified that beforehand. Oh well. This handy piece of ass contains a magnetized driver handle, precision tweezers, opening tools, a spudger, and all the screwdriver bits you'll ever need in a lovely portable carrying case. This set should prove especially useful during the short period between breaking your phone and taking it to the repair shop, you know, that time when you convince yourself you can fix your cracked screen using a Youtube tutorial and a Pritt Stick.

[$42.98]
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?

[$19.89]
The Hornet claims to be the world's smallest stun gun, and with 6,000,000 volts packed into this baby who are you to argue? Nobody, that's who, because I'll shock your nuts right off if you even look at me wrong. It also comes with a flashlight, you know, so you can see who's trying to molest you before you zap them in the throat. Weighing less than 2 ounces and measuring just half an inch thick, the Hornet is discrete enough to carry with you at all times. So the next time the dog's barking too loudly, the kids are playing up or your bound and gagged partner needs a little love shock, the Hornet will be on hand to fulfil all of your brutal, tasing requirements.

[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.

[$150]
In the year 2016 over 468,300 teenagers around the world were diagnosed with Bent Neck Syndrome, which is a real condition I've just made up but that might exist one day if we keep fannying about with our smartphones all day. To avoid such a scenario, some clever berks have made this Minimalist Light Phone to stop you obsessing over dead celebrities and terror atrocities for five minutes, because apparently you all lack any sense of self control. All this phone does is make and receive calls, store 10 numbers and tell the time - that's the lot. Oh, and I suppose you can use it to bash things too, if you want.

[$129]
Here is a new kind of camera which is a lot like an old kind of camera except it's new. The Lomo'Instant Square Camera works with both Fujifilm and Instax Square Film; both of which are too f**king expensive if you ask me. The Lomo also has multiple exposure and colour gel filter capabilities, which makes me so happy inside I think I've pissed myself. This Kickstarter project will ship next year, or never if we all die in a nuclear apocalypse beforehand.

[$55]
I love two things; gaming on the go and wearing really tight yoga pants. Unfortunately, this means that I look quite weird when I'm walking down the street with a huge console stuffed down my crotch. But lucky for me there's a teeny tiny solution to this problem in the form of the Keychain Game Boy by PocketSprite. Approximately "quite small", this midget-sized gadget allows you to play tonnes of retro Game Boy, Game Gear and Master System games. And you can update your collection of titles using bluetooth and Wi-Fi. All we need now is a way to compress an xbox into a space the size of a lipstick and we're good to go.

[€25]
What would you do with an inflatable, 25 inch version of yourself? Would you touch its special area? Send it to an ex lover? Or would you use it as a stand in for social occasions you can't be arsed to attend? The 25inchme company doesn't care how grotesque your reasons are for wanting one, as they'll ship you a 25 inch inflatable version of you, Hitler or your neighbour's son wherever you like in as little as ten days. No questions asked. Probably. Don't test them on that.

[$35.96]
Has your work colleague seen you slacking off playing World of Warcraft at your desk? Perhaps the woman who sits next to you noticed you took 40 minutes to have a dump yesterday. If so, why not blind your enemies / coworkers with this Mini Toothpick Crossbow. With a range of thirty to fifty feet, this mini maiming device can cause trauma to human flesh and soda cans alike. You could probably use it to reenact the Battle of Hastings using mice too, if you wanted.

[$10]
Whenever I’m creeping up on someone it’s always my jingly jangly keys that give me away. Well no more! The Magkey Magnetic Smart Key Holder consists of several magnetic stickers which you can affix to your keys, sticking them together, and voila! No more noise! These Neodymium magnets work on any keys, except the key to my heart, which is made of some weird moist substance that nobody must touch.