[$114.99]
As the summer months approach there are two things you'll begin to smell - the delicious aroma of charred meat and the musty stench of hot garbage. So why not combine the two with this wonderful Po Man Charcoal BBQ Grill! This bit of kit is a fully working charcoal grill disguised as a regular trash can, so not only can you throw meat on it for cooking al-fresco, but inevitably some idiots will think it’s a regular garbage can and use it to store their trash. Inside you'll find a coal box, starter pan, skewers and a temperature adjusting vent, but none of this will matter when you realise someone has thrown a used diaper on top of your lightly charred steak. I think it'll enhance the flavour if anything.

[$129]
The Hot Ash stove is a portable wood-burning rocket stove which you can take anywhere you like to cook anything you like. Its primary and secondary burn chambers mean you can shove sticks or wood pellets inside and trust them to burn for longer than they would just thrown on the ground in a pile. Despite its small size it is also strong enough to hold a large skillet, meaning you can fry a smashed up squirrel or a recently slain woodpigeon with ease. Or you could boil water on it, but that's less fun.

[$359.99]
Burning things is fun, and it's even more fun with the Solo Stove Bonfire. Why is that, you ask? I don't know, let's find out together shall we? It's made from Premium Fire Grade Steel…oooooh. It burns wood efficiently by pushing the limits of combustion airflow and efficiency….oh my. And what's that, it's also lightweight, eco-friendly and durable too? Well bugger me with an aubergine; that does sound good doesn’t it.

[$24.98]
What are your favourite smells? Wet dog. New car. Post Coital Disappointment? Well that's a shame, because Cool Material don't make craft candles that smell of any of those things (yet). But they do make ones that smell of Coffee and Cigarettes, Tobacco Humidor, Barber Shop and Public Library. So if you've ever wanted your home to stink of Nescafe, smokes, hair and old lady urine you're in for a ruddy treat you are. Since they're 16 ounces each these candles will last for approximately "a period of time" and they're made from soy wax, so if you're vegan you can eat them, if you want. I'm honestly not bothered mate. Do what you want with them.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$119.99]
The apocalypse is almost upon us, and when it is, those with durable iron cookwear will truly become kings amongst men. Therefore, unless you'd like to sell your body in exchange for food come the forthcoming end of days, you'd be well advised to purchase this Barebones Cast Iron Kit. There's no f**king about with this lot, it's just a simple set of sturdy, reliable cast iron pans alongside some fancy oil, s**t to serve your grub on and a recipe book on how to gut and fillet a hedgehog. The last part is a lie, but it wouldn't half be useful.

[$19.99] / [£5.99]
Is your phone on fire right now? How do you know for sure? Is there smoke? Are there flames? You've no idea have you, you hapless fool. Thankfully, this Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case is capable of alerting you to the presence of heat on your phone while simultaneously protecting it. You could even throw your phone into the sun and it would still survive, probably.

[£299]
Trees. What have they ever done for us? Aside from get in the way when we’re trying to pull some sweet BMX stunts off-road. Now with the Frontier Plus portable woodburning stove you can scorch even more of these pesky life-giving bastards when you’re out and about in the forest. This fancy stove can be used in tents, sheds, tipis, houses, or underground sex dungeons for cooking or heating. It even has adjustable legs and a glass window for you to watch your logs burn away into cinders. Take that mother nature, you cow.

[$30.29] / [£19.99]
Trying to spread cold butter on toast is like trying give tattoos to a moth. Until now your only option was to warm the butter up somehow, perhaps by placing it between your buttocks. But now the Spreadthat! Self-heating butter-knife does that for you. Coming in red and black, this handy gadget is made from thermal conductive titanium and it uses your own body heat to heat up in just 20 seconds. So what are you gonna do? Buy margarine like a poor person? Or eat hot buttery toast like a king courtesy of the Spreadthat!

[$174]
Liu Kang. Super Mario. The Human Torch. What do they all have in common? Yes, obviously they’re all a Sagittarius but what else? Oh yeah, they can shoot fire from their hands, and now so can you thanks to the Pyro Handheld Fire Shooter. You know something is cool when it requires you to watch a safety video in full before purchasing. Using flash cotton and a wrist mounted holster you can use this device for one of two things. 1.) Become a dorky magician. Or 2; roam the streets fighting crime / committing crime. I’d call myself Captain Cystitis, because nothing burns like me.