[$89.97]
As summer approaches the last thing you want to drink is a massive hot mug of steaming coffee, because that'll make you sweat all the water out of your god damn body. But if you're still hankering for an injection of caffeine you could drink a glass of coke like a non-idiot, or you could use the My Dutch Cold Coffee Brew Maker to create a delicious glass of cold brew coffee. Using an innovative clean cold water drip method the My Dutch extracts new flavours from coffee which you wouldn't get from hot brewing, and comes in both 350ml and 550ml varieties, so there.

[$19.95]
Do you want to get trashed in your living room but you're sick of using your hands to hold beer like a sucker? Then the

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Too much of a pussy to drink coffee? Try this Wake The F*ck Up Tea then, you absolute nancy. Containing enough leaves for 50 cups (100 if you're a trog), this delightful blend of black tea comes infused with ginger and other natural flavours. Unlike coffee it won't make you shit yourself five minutes after drinking, but just like coffee it will wake you the f*ck up.

[$64.99] / [£59.79]
The Stanley Classic Vacuum French Press is capable of 48 ounces of coffee hot for four hours. Or, alternatively, you can keep it cold for nine hours, iced for 24 hours, and mildly tepid for a period of time somewhere in between. Its stainless steel body means it won't rust, and its ergonomic handle means its f**king easy as s**t to pour. But what the specifications don't tell you is whether it's suitable for storing human blood at room temperature. I have a very specific diet, and if my precious life-claret is too warm it curdles into a weird man-jam and ruins my day.

[$13.09] / [£9.99]
How long would you be willing to wait for a coffee? A minute? Five minutes? Several f**king months? If it's the latter then great, you should buy this Coffee to Grow kit and find something to do for the best part of a year. Containing one massive Arabica Nana bean and a bunch of biodegradeable shite, after a few months you can wazz this cup in the ground and voila, out will come a coffee plant. Now all you need is a cow for the milk. Good luck growing that out of a mug you daft arse.

[$44]
There's just something about a brown bag lunch that makes whatever you're eating more delicious. But if you're still taking your lunch to work in this manner when you're 40, people might start to wonder where you are on the spectrum. This Marlowe Lunch Bag is a reusable and less spazzy version of the classic brown bag, made out of altogether classier waxed canvas. Waterproof, closed with a fold and coming with a single exterior pocket, you could probably carry soup in this and eat it straight from the bag if you wanted.

[$72.59] / [£49.99]
Since the last of the chain coffee shops was made extinct in 2009, it’s been tough for everyday folks to get decent coffee on the go. Thankfully the Minipresso Portable Espresso Maker is here to save the day and wake up the nation. I don’t know which nation…Botswana? Yeah why the fuck not. This sleek and slender device fits in your pocket and brews you a lovely coffee using your own hand-pump action. Pretty nifty right? So whether you’re up a mountain, trapped in a sex dungeon, or in Starbucks toilets screwing the system, you can have a wonderful cup of joe on the go. Now go away while I pump myself a hot one.

[$54.95] / [£69.99]
Are your family morbidly obese? Do you have a crack habit? Maybe you just spend too much time on your phone. These Time Locking Kitchen Containers can solve all your addictions with their programmable lids that can be set to lock for up to ten days. Throw your vice into the box and hey presto, you are cured. Note; this product is unsuitable for chronic masturbators or those with a hamster fetish. Ah who am I kidding, knock yourselves out.

[$Free]
The Amazon Dash button is a wireless ordering button you can set up to easily replenish those household items you buy every week. Stick it near where you use it, bam. I get that. It’s convenient. But…have they thought of the downsides? I should be hired to tell companies how dickheads might use their invention. I’d swap the stickers on your toilet roll and coffee. I’d order you 12,000 tampons because tampons are funny. I’d put the condom button in your kids room. Come on people, think of the consequences!

[$16.19] / [£9.99]
You don't know enough swear words! That is a fact, no-one you know does, in fact everyone needs this mug! Expand you swearing capabilities with the Periodic Table of Swearing Mug dreamed up by the geniuses at Modern Toss.




You could even get you mom a lovely Periodic Tablecloth (Tea-cloth) of Swearing!