[$35]
Is this the droid you were looking for? Haha get it, that’s like the line from that fucking film isn’t it? I wish I was dead. If you’re as big a Star Trek fan as I clearly am you’ll love this Sphero BB-8 Remote Control droid is just for you. Not only can you guide its movements using tablet and smartphone apps, it also listens to voice commands…unlike my bitch of a girlfriend who just ignores them. Make Captain Jean Luc Picard happy by buying a Sphero BB-8 today…unless you’re too angry that I got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up. If you did, have a word with yourself.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[£169.99]
The Nerf N Strike Elite Terrascout Remote Control Drone Blaster has the longest product name since the Gillette Fusion Hyperslice Macho Genocide 9/11 Truth Bonecruncher 9000 Grizzly Urban Power Cock Donkey Punch Razor 2 - The Conjuring. But it's still a pretty nifty little bit of kit for faffing with on Christmas Day. This Nerf-firing drone also films live video of your vicious foam assaults, making them far more accountable than the actual military. There will be no undocumented war crimes here little Timmy, and with all operations including drone movement, camera shots and dart deployment all handled by a single controller, you'll terrorise babies, grandma and small animals with ease. However, the Nerf N Strike Drone can only be purchased at one place, as it's a Toys R Us exclusive…just like Geoffrey's nudes, the massive giraffe pervert.

[$299] / [£229.99]
I haven't seen the new Star Wars movies, but if I had, and if I liked drones, and if I had several hundred bucks, and nothing to do with my weekend, and didn't care what people thought of me, I'd definitely buy one of these Star Wars Battle Drones and smash it into some crows down the park. Available in Starfighter, Speeder Bike and Tie Advanced varieties, these drones also pack a set of on-board speakers, a revolutionary reverse propulsion system (no idea) and a top speed of up to 35 miles an hour. If you've got enough friends you can also have virtual laser battles in the sky with other drones, as each pad vibrates every time a shot makes impact. Or, if you have no friends, just get drunk and crash it into some bird's nests. It's what Carrie Fisher would've wanted.

[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.

[$199.99]
Ketchup is fun. Mayonnaise is fun. Combine them? Seafood sauce. Paper airplanes are fun. Drones are fun. Combine them? This Paper Airplane VR Drone Model Kit. Capable of speeds up to 20mph and able to fly for ten minutes on a single charge, what's even more fancy is that the drone's on-board camera can be synched to your smartphone, which in turn can be placed into the accompanying Google Cardboard headset. You know what that means don't you? This drone can be used to peep into ladies' bedrooms and recreate in virtual reality what it would feel like to be some kind of hovering pervert.

[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

[£4165]
Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles was a kinky little sod who wore leather underpants while chasing adolescent reptiles through raw sewerage. However, the DTV Shredder is decidedly less kinky, but you could definitely use it to run down Donatello in a stream of hot turds...if you wanted. The DTV Shredder is basically a skateboard glued to a tank with a motorcross bike slapped on the front. It goes approximately "proper fast", it is compact enough to fit in the boot of your car, and it will make for an essential piece of kit once the sun is extinguished by perpetual nuclear winter.

[€50]
Doing a jigsaw is a lot like putting a human body back together; first you must find all the parts, look at a picture for guidance, and the whole thing can be ruined when one bit goes missing. This Fractal Jigsaw takes that last part way too far though, because when each piece is put in place it looks like it's disappeared. Described as a "proper hard bastard" by Stephen Hawking, you'll chew your own lips off with rage before completing this pain the ass puzzle.

[$24.99] / [£39.99]
Ah Monopoly, a board game classic that's the source of at least 90% of all family arguments - the other 10% being incest-related. The Monopoly Ultimate Banking Game edition provides a timely update to the board game's traditional style, adding new elements such as instant cashless transaction and flexible property prices that rise and fall depending on where you land. Of course, if this game wanted to be truly accurate it would come with six bags of cocaine and a bribe for the mayor. We can but dream.

[$399.99] / [£359.99]
The Xbox One X improves on its predecessor by being more expensive, and therefore better, than the typical Xbox One. Slimmer than the Playstation 4 Pro, this little tart has been touted as the world's most powerful console, but in reality it's just a fancy upgrade on the Xbox One. With six teraflops of graphics performance you'll be able to see yourself getting n00b-tubed in glorious detail, and since the Xbox One X also comes with a one terabyte hard drive, you'll be able to store a whole bunch of content on it without worrying about filling her up. Oh, and remember kids, Don't buy Battlefront 2, or Santa will kick you in the tits.

[$152.75] / [£113.56]
The Super Nintendo is back! I mean, if you kept one in your mum's garage it technically never went away, but if you haven't, be prepared to pay an extortionate amount of money to relive all your childhood memories. Super Man Brother, Monkey Dong, The Legend of Zebras and all your other favourite SNES games can be bought online for five times what you originally paid, but first you'll need to pick up a Classic Super Nintendo System to play them on, which Best Buy are selling for under a hundred clams.