[$39.95]

The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$29.89] / [£22.99]
As Kanye West would no doubt profess, losing one's shit can be a traumatic experience. But while we can't help you with a bout of insanity, these Tile Mate Bluetooth Trackers can make losing your actual marbles a thing of the past. By linking with an app installed on your smartphone, these Bluetooth tracking devices help you find your lost Macbook, wallet, luggage or child by letting out an inhuman scream if they're located within 100 feet. And if not, one of Tile's other 5 million users will help find it for you. Or they'll steal it and not tell you. That's what I would do.

[$7.88] / [£5]
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve used my teeth as a bottle opener, which is mostly because I’ve drunk away the memories. People use shoes, table-tops and the anuses of small mammals to crack open a cold one, but the Split Ring Bottle Opener solves that problem easily. This nickel-plated iron bottle opener masquerades as a keyring, ensuring you don’t come off as the alcoholic weirdo who always carries a bottle opener everywhere you go.

[$10]
Whenever I’m creeping up on someone it’s always my jingly jangly keys that give me away. Well no more! The Magkey Magnetic Smart Key Holder consists of several magnetic stickers which you can affix to your keys, sticking them together, and voila! No more noise! These Neodymium magnets work on any keys, except the key to my heart, which is made of some weird moist substance that nobody must touch.

[$12.03] / [£9.33]
My keys frequently go missing, just like my dignity. My dignity can usually be found in the bed of an obese drunken woman, so all I’ve left to worry about is the location of my house-entering equipment. Well I’ll worry no more with these nifty Animal Key Holders. They comprise of a small steel animal head which attaches to your keys as you carry them during the day. Then when you get home there is a magnetic shield waiting for you to pop them on. Simple!

[$9]
As a barely functioning alcoholic if I don’t have a bottle opener I’ll simply smash my brew open and cut my gums to shreds. For you fancy bastards with your dignity you may want to purchase the Pico Micro Bottle Opener. This sleek design fits on a tiny keychain which you use as leverage. And despite its size it remains surprisingly effective at removing bottlecaps. Like a virgin on a first date it needs only a single tug to get it off.

[$25] / [£15.50]
The lightning ChargeKey works with iPhone 5/5S, lighting iPad + iPad Mini and the Micro USB ChargeKey with anything else that takes Micro USB, like Android phones, cameras and games controllers! Use the ChargeKey anywhere to charge or sync you phone, the keyform fits perfectly on your keychain, blending in and taking up minimal space. Nomad also do a ChargeCard which works with your iPhone 4 and 4S.

[$11.99] / [£7.68]
C3PO finally become useful with 2 LEDs, one in each foot which light up when you give him a squeeze. Not just a cool keychain, a cool keychain which lights up!

[$15]
A tripod and stand that fits on EVERY SMARTPHONE and cases! Always on your keychain ready to go. You also get a cool camera timer app included. Props to the Keyprop.

[$14.99] / [£7]
Make your key look like a chainsaw! Makes chainsaw sounds! Lights up when activated! What more do you want?!