[$68.99]
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.

[$84]
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.

[$15,250]
Justin Timberleaf is my favourite music song guy, and now the clever sod has gone and made a camping trailer to! The Timberleaf Camping Trailer is easily towed by most passenger vehicles and provides a lovely warm place to sleep when you're out camping in the woods stalking your ex-girlfriend. Weighing at under 1,200 pounds, or half a Rosie O'Donnell, the Timberleaf comes equipped with a queen mattress, generous storage space, and a washing station. You know, to wash your lovely portion in.

[$40.49] / [£29.99]
Do you like shiny multi-coloured things that sparkle and shimmer? Then you'll love this brand new range of unicorn jizz tinned for freshness. Oh, and also this Hologram Backpack is pretty nifty too. Made from tough polyester this backpack will ensure you definitely don't look like a back-spack, and it comes with an inner laptop divider, media port and a hidden port, where you could store a knife to stab people who laugh at your new backpack.

[$129]
The Hot Ash stove is a portable wood-burning rocket stove which you can take anywhere you like to cook anything you like. Its primary and secondary burn chambers mean you can shove sticks or wood pellets inside and trust them to burn for longer than they would just thrown on the ground in a pile. Despite its small size it is also strong enough to hold a large skillet, meaning you can fry a smashed up squirrel or a recently slain woodpigeon with ease. Or you could boil water on it, but that's less fun.

[$30] /
How many times have you been caught without a tripod for your iPhone? Is it four, more than four, or less than four? If it's exactly or more than four then you should probably buy this Pocket iPhone Tripod so you don't suffer extreme embarrassment ever again. This tripod is portable to hide in your pocket, but strong enough to hold an iPhone at any angle. Compatible with models made since 2010 now you can watch videos on the train, play music out of the rear speaker properly, or keep both hands free whilst browsing pictures of your ex-girlfriend.

[$26] / [£19.99]
Has anyone ever asked you to project whatever shite you're watching on your phone onto a wall, so they and everyone around you can bask in its glory? No, me neither. But if you have experienced this unlikely scenario then you'll need this Smartphone Projector 2.0, as its capable of turning Youtube vids, streamed content and homemade phone porn into a cinematic viewing experience. Available in both a black / gold or copper design, this bastard will work straight out of the box with both the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6s. Does it work with any other phones? I do not know. Why not buy it and find out for yourself you lazy git.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[$99]
If you want to take a selfie from high up in the air you've got four options. First, buy a selfie stick and look like a prick. Second, stretch your arms out using medieval torture equipment. Third, throw it up in the air and hope for the best. Or fourth, buy an Airselfie Flying Smartphone Camera, which is compatible with both android and Samsung phones. Because windows and blackberry can go fuck themselves. Basically, it's a smartphone case with a drone camera in it, but you don't have to stop at selfies. Why not fly above ladies and film down their tops? Use it to scope out your ever-increasing bald patch. Or even give a tiny baby mouse the ride of its life and film the whole thing. Go on you cow, you know you want to.

[$699.95] / [£461.65]
If I could live in a cave I would, because with a single entrance and exit point it means I've only got to look in one direction to check my house for monsters. But a neat second-best is the Heimplanet Inflatable Cave Tent, whose revolutionary design allows you to pump up a temporary abode in less than a minute. It's also made from high-quality durable materials, which is good, as getting a puncture in your tent at Glastonbury would be a right pain in the arse. The Heimplanet Cave Tent seats five people in the main chamber and sleeps…well…as many as you're comfortable with. Depends how chummy you wanna get.

[$394.82] / [£279.99]
The Nintendo Switch is what you get when the Wii gets knocked up by a Gamecube and out spurts some half-breed nonsense. With its dock, Joy Con and Joy Con Grip able to be used for personal, tabletop and four-way play, the Switch's major selling point is that it allows you to enjoy the home console experience on the go; a feature nobody asked for but everyone's gonna get. I like to sit nude and alone in the dark when I'm playing games, so now I guess I'll have to do the same thing on the bus instead.