[$40.49] / [£29.99]
Do you like shiny multi-coloured things that sparkle and shimmer? Then you'll love this brand new range of unicorn jizz tinned for freshness. Oh, and also this Hologram Backpack is pretty nifty too. Made from tough polyester this backpack will ensure you definitely don't look like a back-spack, and it comes with an inner laptop divider, media port and a hidden port, where you could store a knife to stab people who laugh at your new backpack.

[$39.99]
Oak-aged alcohol is often rather expensive, and if you're too cheap to buy it then your only way of achieving that smoky booze aftertaste is to enter a burning building while downing a pint. But fortunately for you smoke aficionados there's now a solution, and it comes in the form of this Oak Bottle Mini Master Infuser. Capable of infusing 355ml of booze with an oaky taste in as little as two hours, this vessel made from 100% American Oak promises to improve bourbon, rum, beer, BBQ sauce and any other liquids you fancy by adding an ultra quick burst of charred oak flavour and aroma. And yes, I suppose you could try it with urine.

[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Some people like to throw their coats on the floor when they get home, but if you're not a fucking savage then buy one of these Kitt-A-Boo Wall Hooks and hang it up properly. These wood and rubber thingamajigs make a cat pop out of the top when you hang a coat on them, which is a nifty little feature if you've got little kids, but dangerously provocative if the person hanging their coat up has recently taken a bathtub full of drugs.

[$55]
My mum's nickname was the party bucket, but unlike her the Dakine Party Bucket can only take two bottles of wine inserted at once. Designed to fit around a typical five gallon bucket, the Dakine Party Bucket allows you to transport approximately "some" beer, "some more" ice and "a few" snacks with consummate ease. It also comes with a built-in bottle opener, eight insulated exterior can holders and some secret pockets for miscellaneous items like turkey jerky, lollipops or crack.

[$74.75]
Unsettle's Commutter Roll-Top Bag is the ideal solution for busy commuters who want to piss off an entire train carriage by taking up a seat with their flouncy new bag. But if you're not bothered about that then this bag will prove a godsend, as it's capable of carrying a laptop, tablet, your dinner, a spare change of underpants, rolled-up tools and a bunch of other shit all at once. Its water-repellent covering means nothing inside this bag will get soggy in the rain either, meaning both the bag and its contents should last for years. But if you're on seat 3A and this bag's on seat 3B and I see you on the 16:58 Preston to Euston I will cut your god damn heart out.

[$199]
Laptops are notoriously thirsty for juice, as are tablets, smartphones, handheld consoles and mains-powered dildos. But the HP Laptop Powering Backpack offers a solution, albeit one that gives you yet another thing you've got to remember to charge.The HP Backpack's built-in 22400 mAh battery can charge up to three devices if you've remembered to pack their respective chargers, and if you haven't, you could always jump in the bathtub with it on and kill yourself.

[£12.99]
The worst thing that can happen to you at a music festival is coming back to your tent to find someone has cut a hole in the side and shat in your sleeping bag. It is an undeniably awful experience, but it is also incredibly good for character building. If you'd like to guarantee that this heinous anus act occurs, why not cover your tent in this obnoxious Glow in the Dark Tape? Made from waterproof vinyl, your temporary abode is sure to be noticed from miles away by friends and thieves alike. If you wanted, you could even make a massive day-glo swastika with it...if it's that sort of festival.

[$19,176]
These Honomobo Shipping Container Homes are ideal for people who love being forced into confined spaces alongside their loved ones. Kidnap victims, perhaps. Or mole people. Anyway, if you've always wanted to live in a giant metal box then fine, buy one. But I'm not coming to visit. Honomobo will make it in any design you like, any colour and any smell. But as I said, I won't ever come round. Ever. Oh okay, maybe once. But I won't enjoy it.

[$39]
The Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar is the only accessory you need to get off your face on the open water...aside from booze, obviously. With room for several wine bottles, four cup holders and a little space for ice slash meth, there is literally no reason to get out of the pool ever again. You may as well take a dump in there too while you're at it. But, is there a chance this device could lead to an increase in alcohol-fuelled drowning incidents? I truly hope so. Otherwise, what's the point?

[$195]
My desk looks like a garbage pile. There's old food, the occasional rat corpse, and some miscellaneous ooze whose origin shall remain unknown. That's just the way I like it. However, if your boss is getting tetchy and you need to clean up your act while retaining the trash aesthetic, why not invest in one of these Dumpsty Desktop Dumpsters to store all your office crap. Measuring 11 by 10 by 8 inches, these steel containers look so much like dumpsters that when you're drunk you'll wonder if shrink rays are a thing. They're also customisable, with all manner of magnets, colours and lids available for the discerning dumpster dependant.

[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

[$19,900]
Would you spend $20,000 to swim inside a shipping container? Me neither. But apparently some idiots would, otherwise this mental Australian company wouldn't be selling these Shipping Container Swimming Pools. There are two versions available of these glorified trash cans, with their only difference being an extra 6 metres in length and a further ten grand on the price. If you're tempted to buy one of these monstrosities I suggest you do what I do whenever I'm feeling frisky. Go sort yourself out by having a bath or jumping in a garbage bin full of rainwater, and then ask yourself if it's still a good idea.