[$7,350]
Hey, do you remember this bike from the 60’s? No, me neither. But some people did and they made a new one. Isn’t it shiny? The Rokon Trail-breaker has two wheel drive, inverted front suspension, hollow wheels, wider tires and many customisable features. I bet if you wanted you could fit a dildo to the seat. Imagine riding over all that rough terrain. Oh my. With its 3 speed transmission and 208cc four stroke engine you’d need just the one stroke to take you all the way to flavor country.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[$159]
Try to fold up a regular skateboard and it'll probably just crack and you'll look like a dummy. But if you were to try folding up the Boardup Fold-up Skateboard it wouldn't, which is good, as I believe that is the point of it. Locking sturdily in place when you're skating and easily folded away when you're not, the Boardup is also the world's first self-folding longboard. You don't even have to do the folding yourself! Saving you literally tens of seconds, which you can now use to scrape your knees outside a bus station and remember Smashmouth lyrics. Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years…

[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.

[$999.99]
If a Segway banged a scooter that was actually a transformer in disguise, would that constitute assault by deception? I don't know, but the result would be the Kiwano Electric Scooter. Driven by a 1000W hub motor capable of 20 miles an hour speeds, this scooter is capable of hauling even the fattests bastards over a 20 mile range, with a maximum carry weight of 550lbs. That's roughly the weight of Andre the Giant...when he wasn't dead.

[$12,000]
Too lazy or fat to surf? Then try the Lift eFoil Motorised Hydrofoil; it's like a surfboard, but for people who can't be arsed. These eFoils allow you to spack about on the waves for one whole hour at a top speed of 15 mph. Your direction and velocity is controlled by a wireless hand controller you'll probably lose after about a minute. And with a silent electric motor propelling you across the ocean, you'll be free to hear the shouts of “sea-wanker” which inevitably come your way.

[$149]
Worried about getting shafted from behind by some dick in an Audi? Worry no more, because the Waylens 360 Dashboard Cam is here to save the day. This dashboard mounted security camera captures everything that's happening from every angle of your car, unless your fat ass is sat in the way of it. And this handy gadget isn't just useful when you're driving either. The Waylens also transmits video directly to your smartphone, so when that asshole kid from next door is keying your side panels again, you'll have enough evidence to justify doing the same thing to his face later that night.

[£4165]
Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles was a kinky little sod who wore leather underpants while chasing adolescent reptiles through raw sewerage. However, the DTV Shredder is decidedly less kinky, but you could definitely use it to run down Donatello in a stream of hot turds...if you wanted. The DTV Shredder is basically a skateboard glued to a tank with a motorcross bike slapped on the front. It goes approximately "proper fast", it is compact enough to fit in the boot of your car, and it will make for an essential piece of kit once the sun is extinguished by perpetual nuclear winter.

[$58,000]
Finally, Donald Trump can go golfing in Puerto Rico. This Hovercraft Golf Cart glides over sand traps and water hazards with ease, and to be honest it would probably clear a small man if you weren't bothered about the consequences. With a top speed of 45mph forwards and 25 mph backwards, this vehicle is capable of whisking you away from tragedy and back onto hole nine in the time it takes to criticise a nation's relief efforts.

[£49.99]
Balloons burst. Bubbles burst. Small animals burst. These Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres do not burst. That's because they're made of some kind of sh*t that's all solid on the inside. They grip like normal bike tyres, have low rolling resistance and possess an equivalent give of about 100 psi. Do you know what that means? Then you ride bikes too much. Do something else. Read a book. Fondle a crow. Anything.

[$799]
I like things which appear aged but aren't actually that old. Like Lindsay Lohan, who despite looking fifty is actually only twelve. This Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle similarly looks like something you'd find stuck to the wall of a hipster dive bar, but don't let its classic appearance fool you, for this exercise bike comes with many modern features including bluetooth smart connectivity, app compatibility and a swarm of nanobots that will consume your mortal enemies.

[$130]
It isn’t using GPS technology while you’re cycling; don’t pay attention and you’ll get lost, pay too much attention and someone will have to scoop up what’s left of you off the pavement. BeeLine have created an ingenious solution for cyclists who never know where the shit they’re going. This handlebar mounted device links to a smartphone app and can be attached to any bike. Once you set a destination you can give yourself waypoints or let your bike tell you the general direction like a compass. The waterproof ePaper screen gives you the distance and vague direction you need to go in, giving you even more time to look up and not ignore red lights like a dick.