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Monopoly Ultimate Banking Game
[$24.99] / [£27.99]
Ah Monopoly, a board game classic that's the source of at least 90% of all family arguments - the other 10% being incest-related. The Monopoly Ultimate Banking Game edition provides a timely update to the board game's traditional style, adding new elements such as instant cashless transaction and flexible property prices that rise and fall depending on where you land. Of course, if this game wanted to be truly accurate it would come with six bags of cocaine and a bribe for the mayor. We can but dream.

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Monopoly Ultimate Banking Game
Monopoly Ultimate Banking Game

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Spreadable Gin
[$13.29] / [£9.99]
Is there anything that's not spreadable these days? Marshmallows, biscuits, women and now gin! Yes, you heard me correctly you drunken oaf. Spreadable gin! Now first let me give you the good news. This spreadable gin comes with tonic and is jellified into the form of a marmalade, so you can slop it on toast, crumpets or your fingers if you like. Heck you can even bake it into a cake. That sounds nice doesn't it? But do you know what's not nice? This product contains NO ALCOHOL. Honestly, what's the point? Just eat some toast and before you swallow it knock back a glug of gin. There you go. Same product, but better. You're welcome.

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Spreadable Gin
Spreadable Gin

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Retro Jazz Cup Blazer
[$99.99]
The 90's were an innocent time. There were no sex offenders, there was no such thing as terrorism, and Hulk Hogan was the President of the United States. We also had cool designs for our party cups too, and now someone's attemped to milk dry the teats of nostalgia by creating a suit in that same iconic design. This Retro Jazz Cup Blazer is the result of said milking, and not only is it 100% polyester, but the neon print also glows in the dark to make you look so 90's that everyone will wonder if you are in fact OJ Simpson.

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Retro Jazz Cup Blazer
Retro Jazz Cup Blazer

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Probably Whiskey Mug
[$23.95]
This mug says "probably whiskey" on it, which is supposed to imply that you have a drinking problem and that whatever you're slurping, it's probably whiskey. Get it? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ohhh my. I think I've just soiled myself laughing at this incredible joke, and I can guarantee the liquid coming out of my body is most certainly not whiskey. Made of enamel, this mug can hold 16 ounces of coffee, whiskey, tears or horse piss. And you'd better buy one quick, because judging by the fact that this company's only other products are hot sauce and a Probably Beer mug, they're sure to probably go out of business probably soon.

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Probably Whiskey Mug

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Keychain Game Boy
[$55]
I love two things; gaming on the go and wearing really tight yoga pants. Unfortunately, this means that I look quite weird when I'm walking down the street with a huge console stuffed down my crotch. But lucky for me there's a teeny tiny solution to this problem in the form of the Keychain Game Boy by PocketSprite. Approximately "quite small", this midget-sized gadget allows you to play tonnes of retro Game Boy, Game Gear and Master System games. And you can update your collection of titles using bluetooth and Wi-Fi. All we need now is a way to compress an xbox into a space the size of a lipstick and we're good to go.

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Keychain Game Boy
Keychain Game Boy

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Misfortune Cookies
[$30.99] / [£13.90]
These misfortune cookies are intended as a dark alternative to the often trite messages found in regular Chinese cookies, but the examples given are a little tame to say the least. "At least I believe in you. Me, a piece of paper" and "Happy? It won't last!" are amusing enough, but I want to see cookies that tell me my son will need a kidney transplant, or that I'll choke on this cookie and soil myself before the night is out. There may be better ones inside as each box comes with thirteen vegan-friendly cookies, although they were all written by Germans, so don't expect too many laughs.

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Misfortune Cookies
Misfortune Cookies

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Xbox One X
[$532.98] / [£429.99]
The Xbox One X improves on its predecessor by being more expensive, and therefore better, than the typical Xbox One. Slimmer than the Playstation 4 Pro, this little tart has been touted as the world's most powerful console, but in reality it's just a fancy upgrade on the Xbox One. With six teraflops of graphics performance you'll be able to see yourself getting n00b-tubed in glorious detail, and since the Xbox One X also comes with a one terabyte hard drive, you'll be able to store a whole bunch of content on it without worrying about filling her up. Oh, and remember kids, Don't buy Battlefront 2, or Santa will kick you in the tits.

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Xbox One X
Xbox One X

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Vintage Chuck Taylors
[$80]
Everyone likes a nice pair of converse. They're the shoes that scream "I'm a 35 year old man who rarely dresses age appropriate", especially if teamed with a suit blazer, jeans and a receding hairline. These Vintage Chuck Taylors are designed to look like they were actually made in the 70's, with the blue / red piping and a yellowed midsole helping to complete the aesthetic. Available in hi-tops and low-tops, wearing these will make you seem like the coolest dad in the world. Pinky swears.

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Vintage Chuck Taylors
Vintage Chuck Taylors
Vintage Chuck Taylors

Vintage Chuck Taylors →

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Hive Home Security Camera
[$199]
If you're about to buy a security camera for your home what's the first thing you look out for? Is it one that does the job and catches criminals in the act of taking a dump on your sofa? Or would you rather prioritise a camera that looks fancy? If you're part of the latter camp then you're a moron, but its fine, because the Hive Home Security Camera ticks both of your boxes. Boasting a 130 degree field of view, 1080p HD recording quality and a smartphone alert system, this security camera is one of the least crappy looking devices out there on the market. It was designed by the man who made Sodastream Source, so you know it's badass.

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Hive Home Security Camera
Hive Home Security Camera

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Octopus Sucker Massager
[$20]
Oh hey look, another piece of crazy weird sh*t from Japan. What a surprise. This Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager is a bizarre item which you're apparently supposed to use to gently massage your feet, hands, back or neck. Using skin suction treatment, the silicone mit apparently helps blood circulation by sucking up your skin like a shiatsu massage. Seems a bit freaky to me. I'd rather stick with my trusty old vacuum cleaner smeared with fish for an identical but cheaper experience.

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Octopus Sucker Massager
Octopus Sucker Massager

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Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker
[$22]
This Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker can be used to create Taiyaki, which are fish-shaped waffles that you can fill with anything from red bean paste, custard, chocolate and cheese through to broken glass, nails, excrement and bleach, depending on who you're serving and how much you hate them. Made from non-stuck aluminium, there are two molds inside this pan, allowing you to make one serving for a normal person, six for someone on a diet, and 0.004 servings for a greedy fat bastard.

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Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker
Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker

Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker →

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Asobu Beer Chiller
[$29.99]
Beer coolers are quite hefty, and hauling one to the beach is a real pain in the ass. But you know what's more annoying? Taking sixteen individual Asobu Beer Chillers to the beach instead, because apparently, the ability to cool one beer is a useful thing. Asobu's Frosty Beer 2 Go product is a vacuum insulated double walled stainless steel beer bottle and can cooler, which also comes with a bottle opener so you can attach the one solitary beer you're able to store inside. Admittedly, this gadget does keep your booze cold for several hours at a time, but if I'm honest, I'd rather haul a solar powered fridge to the beach than a bunch of these daft things.

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Asobu Beer Chiller
Asobu Beer Chiller

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