[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.

[$36]
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$18.98] / [£10.95]
Ever wanted to glass a stranger in the face but not really? Well now you can with these Unbreakable Silicone Pint Glasses. Laugh in someone’s stupid face as you ram this bendy booze holder into their frightened maw. Made out of the kind of high-quality silicone you’d previously only find inside a stripper’s tits, these glasses can be stored in your pocket, frozen, rewashed, set on fire, pushed into a wombat, used to store urine, and so much more. They’re available in transparent white or opaque red. If you want any other colors, tough shit.

[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$68.99]
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.

[$84]
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.

[$15,250]
Justin Timberleaf is my favourite music song guy, and now the clever sod has gone and made a camping trailer to! The Timberleaf Camping Trailer is easily towed by most passenger vehicles and provides a lovely warm place to sleep when you're out camping in the woods stalking your ex-girlfriend. Weighing at under 1,200 pounds, or half a Rosie O'Donnell, the Timberleaf comes equipped with a queen mattress, generous storage space, and a washing station. You know, to wash your lovely portion in.

[$114.99]
As the summer months approach there are two things you'll begin to smell - the delicious aroma of charred meat and the musty stench of hot garbage. So why not combine the two with this wonderful Po Man Charcoal BBQ Grill! This bit of kit is a fully working charcoal grill disguised as a regular trash can, so not only can you throw meat on it for cooking al-fresco, but inevitably some idiots will think it’s a regular garbage can and use it to store their trash. Inside you'll find a coal box, starter pan, skewers and a temperature adjusting vent, but none of this will matter when you realise someone has thrown a used diaper on top of your lightly charred steak. I think it'll enhance the flavour if anything.

[$129]
The Hot Ash stove is a portable wood-burning rocket stove which you can take anywhere you like to cook anything you like. Its primary and secondary burn chambers mean you can shove sticks or wood pellets inside and trust them to burn for longer than they would just thrown on the ground in a pile. Despite its small size it is also strong enough to hold a large skillet, meaning you can fry a smashed up squirrel or a recently slain woodpigeon with ease. Or you could boil water on it, but that's less fun.

[$359.99]
Burning things is fun, and it's even more fun with the Solo Stove Bonfire. Why is that, you ask? I don't know, let's find out together shall we? It's made from Premium Fire Grade Steel…oooooh. It burns wood efficiently by pushing the limits of combustion airflow and efficiency….oh my. And what's that, it's also lightweight, eco-friendly and durable too? Well bugger me with an aubergine; that does sound good doesn’t it.

[$29.89] / [£22.99]
As Kanye West would no doubt profess, losing one's shit can be a traumatic experience. But while we can't help you with a bout of insanity, these Tile Mate Bluetooth Trackers can make losing your actual marbles a thing of the past. By linking with an app installed on your smartphone, these Bluetooth tracking devices help you find your lost Macbook, wallet, luggage or child by letting out an inhuman scream if they're located within 100 feet. And if not, one of Tile's other 5 million users will help find it for you. Or they'll steal it and not tell you. That's what I would do.