[$19.99]
I'm always shaving my beard all wonky, and no amount of elaborate mirror arrangement ever seems to help. I could shave it all off, but my youthful face means I become an instant legal prey for the local nonces. Thankfully I’ll now be able to avoid such a sticky end with the Beard Bro. This shaping tool helps you trim either long or short beards with precision. Isn’t that good? Although the name sucks a bit. I’d have called it the Hyper Glide Precision Beard Radar Cyber Slice Pro 4 With Extra Twin Prongs.

[$27.25] / [£13.95]
OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$40]
Have you ever looked at a spoon and thought…I wish I could eat that? No me neither, but I am constantly wondering how I can somehow consume more calories with less effort. Thankfully this Edible Spoon Maker solves both problems! The machine works like a waffle maker, allowing you to slop in any kind of dough you want and form an edible spoon in mere minutes. If only there was some kind of machine that made plates out of gravy, then we’d get to eat all our dinnerware and never need do dishes again. Quit dicking around trying to cure cancer scientists and get on this!

[$7.25]
Are you too poor to own a dishwasher? Do you have to scrub your own plates like a pauper? Well maybe you should’ve tried harder at school, like the people who invented these Sponge Tipped Rubber Gloves. There’s not much more to say about these things, they’re latex rubber gloves with a bit of sponge stuck on to help you scrub stuff. It’s quite simple really, but did you think of it? No. Which is why tonight you’ll eat beans out of a tin and fall asleep regretting your terrible life choices. However, all that can be changed by buying these probably.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$22.95] / [£19.99]
Despite looking like something birthed after a bong fucked a teapot, the Porron Drinks Decanter is actually a rather elegant piece of glassware which is quite popular in the Catalan region of Spain. So there. Made from recycled glass and capable of storing 1litre of wine, Kool-Aid or urine, the point of a Porron is to allow drinkers to gulp straight from the decanter without getting each other’s gross mouth germs all over the rim. And nobody likes getting germs on the rim, do they?

[$39.99]
Oak-aged alcohol is often rather expensive, and if you're too cheap to buy it then your only way of achieving that smoky booze aftertaste is to enter a burning building while downing a pint. But fortunately for you smoke aficionados there's now a solution, and it comes in the form of this Oak Bottle Mini Master Infuser. Capable of infusing 355ml of booze with an oaky taste in as little as two hours, this vessel made from 100% American Oak promises to improve bourbon, rum, beer, BBQ sauce and any other liquids you fancy by adding an ultra quick burst of charred oak flavour and aroma. And yes, I suppose you could try it with urine.

[$37.95] / [£22.95]
Are you sick of having to melt your own cheese by putting it down your pants and concentrating really hard? Then snap up the BoskaRaclette Set for easy melted cheese in a matter of seconds. This metal and wooden contraption sits over three candles and lovingly heats your hardened cow boob juice using a gradual temperature, and its compact nature ensures you can prepare gloopy cheddar goodness wherever you please. In fact, why not try melting cheese at a funeral, in a maternity ward, or even at the back of a porno theatre for a tasty erotic snack. The sky's the limit! Because you probably can't take this on airplanes.

[$25] / [£20]
Rice is a harsh mistress, and if you wish to enjoy her pleasures you have but two options. First, you can take half an hour to boil the little grainy pricks, but there's a risk you'll forget about the pan and end up with a gloopy burnt spaff. Or, if you're brave, you can try one of those nasty two-minute microwave dealies that probably give you cancer after the first bite. But now there's a third option; the Joseph Joseph Rice Cooker. Just sling your rice into this bowl, pop in some water, chuck the whole thing into the microwave and you'll be greeted with delicious cooked rice in under five minutes. Even Donald Trump's hookers can't produce something hot and steamy in that time!

[$19.95]
Do you want to get trashed in your living room but you're sick of using your hands to hold beer like a sucker? Then the