[$3,360] / [£2,315]
You thought The Cloud was that place you’d uploaded all of your pornography, but you’d be wrong. The Cloud is also an awesome multimedia device which you most certainly need in your life. This interactive speaker and lamp can stream music and create ambient light displays based on your awful music collection. It probably rains when Kesha comes on. If you ask it nicely it’ll also mimic a thunderstorm using sound and light, just like Storm from the X-Men when she’s wasted. Made from LEDs and hypoallergenic polyester fiber, these clouds are in high demand, so buy one now before Jesus sails down on his surf-cloud and batters you to death with his neon fists.

[$139] / [£96.90]
Ever wanted to spy on your neighbours at night from the comfort of your own bush? Of course you have, and now with the Snooperscope perving on strangers is easier than ever. The Snooperscope is a portable wireless gadget that uses your smartphone or tablet as a screen and the infrared light as a source to enable you to see in low light and total darkness. Suitable for iPhone, iPad, Android smartphones and tablets, you could use this to watch animals if you wanted, but most of you will probably use it for dogging.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$20.29] / [£14]
The Desktop Cinema Light Box is a battery powered table lamp which comes with 69 acetate letters, numbers and symbols along with 6 blank customisable tiles allowing you to display the title of your favourite movie. It doesn't matter if you like Schindler's List or Backdoor Thundersluts 5, you can write whatever you want on this lovely light-up ornament because it's your house and you make the rules.

[$32.49] / [£24.99]
Ever since I played Super Mario Bros as a kid I've spent at least 80% of my life punching bricks in the hope that coins will one day emerge. My fists are now nothing more than a bloody pulp, but I could've avoided all this tragic mess if I'd simply bought this Question Block Light. Look, it's exactly like the one in the game! How cool and copyright infringey is that? Powered by USB or batteries the block also emits a little ping noise if you press it, but if you kick the fucker out of a window it makes no noise whatsoever. What a jip.

[$37.19] / [£29.99]
This officially licensed Pac-Man lamp is a fine addition to the bedroom of any man or woman who wishes to stay pure and virginal for an extended period of time. The lamp comes with a remote control that allows you to dim old Pac for a little mood lighting, but the real fun is to be had with his 12 built in sound effects. That WakkaWakka noise and Pac-Man's death rattle are two notable ones, but my favourite sound effect is when Pac-Man goes on a half hour rant about the AIDS epidemic which threatened to engulf the world during the 80's. I think it comes from a Mrs Pac-Man Easter Egg.

[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.

[$19.99]
Still buying pre-made neon signs like an idiot? What are you, some kind of idiot? This Customisable Neon Sign is where the fun's at. Consisting of three metres of neon cable and one metre of fixing wire, you can write literally anything you want out of this stuff. I mean, Arabic might be tricky. Chinese too. But you could at least spell out some pretty neat swear words. That's something, right?

[$12]
There’s no classy way to advertise this product, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. If you want to find traces of spunk, spooge, tears, blood, mucus, shit, or any other bodily fluids the Luminol Crime Scene Spray is the tool for you. A perfect valentines gift for your jizzy beloved, Luminol contains highly reactive reagents which can detect spillages even after they’ve been wiped up. I used this spray at your Grandma’s house. The resulting glow left me blind.

[$79.97] / [£60]
I often get so drunk I forget where my feet are, so these Light-up LED shoes are perfect for me. They’re perfect for you too, if you’re the kind of person who wants to look like they’ve stood in radioactive dog shit. Each shoe has seven static colours and five flashy colour modes in case you didn’t think bright purple glowing sneakers were enough. They’re available in men’s and women’s versions, charged via USB, and are the perfect footwear for raves or disco-funerals.