[$99]
As the number of portable electronic devices we carry increases, so does our requirement for an efficient and simple charging solution. But if you thought filling your pockets with radioactive spiders would help then you are sadly mistaken and also an idiot. The Zolt multi charger is your real saviour, coming as it does with three USB ports and a bunch of adapters allowing you to charge tablets, smartphones, laptops, and probably a blender if you MacGyver the shit out of it. And when you’re on your death bed being slowly consumed by thousands of smartphone induced tumors, you’ll thank your lucky stars that at least you’ve got enough power left to view one more snapchat. Ohh look, Lewis had a burrito for dinner. I can die happy.

[$499]
You say omatoe, I say Omata, and only one of us is right. Me. The Omata One GPS Speedometer is a super duper advanced GPS computer for cyclists to help them figure out where they’re going. But only on the street, not in life. The device displays speed, distance, ascent and time but nothing else, because really that’s all you need. Well, maybe directions to the local flower store for your relatives when a bus wipes you out, but hey, that’s not your problem! The Omata has a 24 hour battery life, is made from high performance plastic and aluminium, and your ride data can be jizzed over to a computer via USB-C connection. Great. Now your family can see exactly how you died.

[$298] / [£299.25]
Listening to music on vinyl is a rich, fulfilling experience only spoiled by the fact that you look like a right twat playing records off a turntable, especially if you're sat on the subway. The Sony Hi-Res USB Turntable is the solution to all your audio woes, as it allows you to capture all the delicious sounds of old-timey record players into a lossless DSD or WAV file. Copy the tracks via USB to your PC, Mac or USB compatible trousers, then you can compress the shit out of them into an mp3 and store it on your phone if you want. I don't know why you would, but you could.

[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.

[$10.70] / [£7.97]
When I get angry at my computer I throw it out the window with scant regard for the safety of passers by. If you'd rather punch something, buy a cat. Or, just get one of these massive Giant Enter Keys and smash that with your stupid great fist instead. This 140x200mm fluffy giant enter key actually works too. All you need to do is plug it into your computer via USB and voila, you can feel like a big toughy every time you finish a sentence.

[$79.97] / [£60]
I often get so drunk I forget where my feet are, so these Light-up LED shoes are perfect for me. They’re perfect for you too, if you’re the kind of person who wants to look like they’ve stood in radioactive dog shit. Each shoe has seven static colours and five flashy colour modes in case you didn’t think bright purple glowing sneakers were enough. They’re available in men’s and women’s versions, charged via USB, and are the perfect footwear for raves or disco-funerals.

[$12.03] / [£7.48]
As our lives become ever meaningless cycles of repetition, self-loathing and Netflix, many turn to the booze. But what to do with those empty bottles littering your home as a testament to your failure? Illuminate your hideous face of course! The Bottlelight is a rechargeable cork-shaped USB light, enabling you to jam it into bottles to make an interesting table feature. They charge in one hour and last three, so next time your other half comes home to find you drunk in a puddle of your own filth, you can simply claim you were collecting bottles to decorate your home with fine ornaments…before hurling a bottle at their ungrateful face.

[$1,600] / [£1,029]
The first thing you should note is that trying to make this awesome dog speaker at home is an absolute nightmare. The mess created by trying to force a smartphone into the brain-bag of a Bulldog is a right ruddy palaver. That’s not even taking into account where you shove the USB cable. Just buy one of these AeroBull speakers instead, available in white, red and matt black. Containing an amp, two full range drivers and a subwoofer, this dog lets out sound-guffs at 120 watts. Connect it to any smartphone using lightning, Bluetooth and NFC, or regular audio sources through a line-in, which I hope the designers have put on his winky, because that would be dead funny.

[$13.47] / [£12.46]
There are often things I want to look at on my laptop in the dark. Sometimes I want to write nasty things about my dirty uncle, other time I want to look at naked orang-utans flinging muck at each other. If you like to look at stuff on your laptop in the dark, but your fingers do a massive wrong-plop all over your keyboard because you can’t see, then you need a Spaceman USB Light. This handy little fellow plugs into your USB port and lights up your laptop and your life with his LED light, handily hidden behind a closeable visor for when you need a little bit of secrecy. The cable can flex to adjust the spaceman’s position, allowing you to see anything you like around your laptop, be it your keyboard, your winky, or your cup of tea when half a digestive has fallen inside.

[$24.99]
Marty McFly used a Flux Capacitor powered time travelling car to go back in time and hit on his mum. The film doesn’t show him making sweet family fun with her, but we all know he did. This Flux Capacitor USB Car Charger won’t let you commit time travelling incestual acts, but you can charge your phone with it, so that’ll have to do. Plug this little chap into your car’s cigarette lighter and it’ll glow brighter than the residents of Fukushima. Comes with two USB ports and an on/off switch for when the flashing lights have distracted you one too many times, and you’ve mowed down an elderly couple. Now if only they could bring out an adaptor for your car that makes you leave a flame trail behind you when you drive. You can make your own with petrol and fire, but it tends to go wrong rather quickly.