[$14.70] / [£10.24]
Unfortunately if you came here looking for a way you could pay to stamp on Nicolas Cage’s face we can’t help you, although if we’re honest his career has gone so shit so quickly he’d probably let you do it for free just to lick the gum off your shoe. This Nicolas Cage Face Stamp is of the inky variety, and I’m going to assume you know how a stamp works so let’s not concern ourselves with that. This is made from wood and rubber, just like Nicolas Cage’s face. That doesn’t make any sense. Leave me alone.

[$10.24] / [£7.12]
If people in your office are seriously starting to piss you off then you’ve got two options. Intimidate them by turning up to work in full body armour waving a Glock pistol and screaming “Death To The West!”, or buy this Co-Workers I Want To Punch In The Face Notebook. You’ll notice this notebook is quite specific about punching your enemies in the face. If you want to hit Carol from accounts straight in the groin with a swift tactical uppercut…you’re gonna need a different notebook. But if Chad from HR keeps on stealing your lunch / desk / organs…then it’s time to write that shit down.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$13] / [£9.99]
This book, How To Live With A Huge Penis, is often mistakenly purchased by those with an annoying roommate, but no, this epic tome is actually more of a useful guide for those men who are considerably endowed in the trouser department. I myself have a penis so small it's practically inverted, but even I found this book riveting, as it illuminates readers on the unexpected benefits of having a large member, the everyday life of a chap with a chunky chopper, and the oft-ignored persecution blokes with big dicks face on a daily basis. Also it's written by a Doctor and a Reverend, and if there are two professions which know more about penises than medics and the clergy, then I haven't heard of them.

[$19.99]
Hand carved from Baltic birchwood and laser etched to precision, these Don't Fuck Up The Table Coasters actually serve several useful purposes. First of all, they help keep your table free from the scuffs and stains associated with beverage containers. Secondly, they remind you not to fuck up the table via other means, such as with hammers or a gamma-ray gun. And thirdly, they allow you to passively aggressively tell your friends you don't trust them around your home, except without the awkward silence which usually accompanies such a statement. Oh, also Amazon claims they're a great conversation piece too. But if this is seriously the kind of thing you'd consider having a whole conversation about, I'd say you need better friends bub.

[£2.99]
Is your dog a complete loser who can't even go and sniff another dog's anus without getting all shy? Then why not get that four-legged f****r drunk for some dutch courage! Those pesky animal rights people will have a shit fit if you feed your pooch regular suds, so instead serve them up a bowl of this delicious Bottom Sniffer Dog Beer, containing precisely zero alcohol, zero bubbles and zero fun. Nevertheless, this Dandelion and Burdock flavoured treat will still help your dog feel proud of its body and confident in it's self, allowing it to finally hump that stranger's leg it's always had a crush on.

[$65] / [£49.99]
Are you kooky as fuck but too scared to dye your hair and pierce your face to prove it? Then show the world how krazy you really are by purchasing this Seven Foot Tall Inflatable Unicorn. This artful blow-up ornament is elegantly crafted from heavy duty vinyl, so you could try to hump it if you want. If not, it'd make an excellent centrepiece for a wake…unless your grandmother was killed and violated by unicorns. In that case, you might wanna give it a miss.

[$12.32] / [£9.99]
What would you do if your organs suddenly fell out of your body? How would you react if Jesus came back to life and called you a prick? I don't know, and neither do the authors of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. But what they will tell you is how to survive an alligator attack, what to do if you're trapped in quicksand, and the easiest method of removing a tongue that is stuck to a frozen pole. There are also a few wackier ones too, such as how to escape from a giant octopus, and what you should do if a man in a costume is being over-affectionate. And if you're too lazy to read books like a great big nark then just look up the answers on the searchable CD provided with it.

[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.

[$15.59] / [£11.99]
Pornogami Pornographic Origami is a great gift for someone you haven't slept with yet, but whose genitals you'd really love to get a look at...albeit in paper form. It comes with 128 pages of erotic instructions for making paper penises, tracing paper tits and foaming great cardboardfannies, and makes a great gift for both adults and children alike. Except children.