[$39.95] / [£10.25]

OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$18.39] / [£12.99]
The definition of Netflix and Chill is to invite someone over to have sex under the premise of watching TV. The definition of Netflix and Grill is to involve grilled objects in this equation, which may or may not already be part of your sex life depending on what you’re into. Coming in both vegan and delicious animal varieties, these pan-packed ready meals can be thrown straight under the grill and your food will be done in the time it takes to get bored of Orange is the New Black – 8 minutes. This service isn’t available everywhere yet so don’t get too excited, but you’ll know when it’s come to your area as it will be marked by a sudden surge of lazy fat bastards getting heart attacks.

[$114.99]
As the summer months approach there are two things you'll begin to smell - the delicious aroma of charred meat and the musty stench of hot garbage. So why not combine the two with this wonderful Po Man Charcoal BBQ Grill! This bit of kit is a fully working charcoal grill disguised as a regular trash can, so not only can you throw meat on it for cooking al-fresco, but inevitably some idiots will think it’s a regular garbage can and use it to store their trash. Inside you'll find a coal box, starter pan, skewers and a temperature adjusting vent, but none of this will matter when you realise someone has thrown a used diaper on top of your lightly charred steak. I think it'll enhance the flavour if anything.

[$23] / [£16.99]
From the author of Bathing in Wine, Shaving with Milk and Dancing in Pepsi comes this astounding new book - Cooking With Beer. This essential collection of beer-based bites contains 75 spectacular recipes using a range of beers including instructions for beer sandwiches, beer tacos, beer cakes, beer frittatas and probably some kind of beer beer. I don’t know, I haven't read it, all I know is I wholeheartedly approve of new ways to get myself drunk.

[$22.09] / [£16.99]
If you were hoping for a book where people put their penises into ground meat then you'll be sorely disappointed in the Pornburger Recipe Book, as there's not a single quarter pounder creampie or whipped patty bukkake to be seen. However, what you will find in here is 300 plus pages of delicious burger-based recipes courtesy of self-described burger nonce Mathew Ramsey. I suppose you could just draw boobs on the burgers if you're desperate.

[$37.95] / [£22.95]
Are you sick of having to melt your own cheese by putting it down your pants and concentrating really hard? Then snap up the BoskaRaclette Set for easy melted cheese in a matter of seconds. This metal and wooden contraption sits over three candles and lovingly heats your hardened cow boob juice using a gradual temperature, and its compact nature ensures you can prepare gloopy cheddar goodness wherever you please. In fact, why not try melting cheese at a funeral, in a maternity ward, or even at the back of a porno theatre for a tasty erotic snack. The sky's the limit! Because you probably can't take this on airplanes.

[$21.79] / [£16.99]
The creation of beef jerky can be achieved in two ways; make yourself so physically arousing to a cow that it just can't help itself, or buy this Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit. If you're a fan of dried out old meat and you're sick of chewing on Donatella Versace's neck, then this handy box of spices and plastic bags are all you need. Oh, and some beef of course. Because why would they supply the ONE THING YOU NEED THE MOST. I despair sometimes, I really do.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$119.99]
The apocalypse is almost upon us, and when it is, those with durable iron cookwear will truly become kings amongst men. Therefore, unless you'd like to sell your body in exchange for food come the forthcoming end of days, you'd be well advised to purchase this Barebones Cast Iron Kit. There's no f**king about with this lot, it's just a simple set of sturdy, reliable cast iron pans alongside some fancy oil, s**t to serve your grub on and a recipe book on how to gut and fillet a hedgehog. The last part is a lie, but it wouldn't half be useful.