[$86.79] / [£69.99]
Wish you could use different lenses with the iPhone to take ever more elaborate pictures of your ugly wife, disappointing kids and bland, tasteless meals? Great. Then you'll probably want this Olloclip set of iPhone lenses won't you, you fatuitous prick. Apparently these lenses have similar perspectives to DSLR cameras, but I don't care. They also include fish-eye, super wide 120 degree view, and some other bobbins too, but I don't care about that either. Look, if you're going buy this stuff will you just do it and leave me alone? Thank you.
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat screaming my mother's name. She isn't dead, and she isn't ill, so I don't know why I do it. But every time that I do I suddenly begin levitating three feet off the ground, and it was during one of these moments I invented the Mag-Lev Levitating Turntable. Those are the words of Mag-Lev's founder, Kenny Magnets, and his revolutionary hovering record player will enhance the way you listen to records forever, or for about five minutes, depending on how long you use it for. Capable of playing at 33,3-rpm and 45-rpm, the Mag-Lev avoids all the shaky shaky interruptions you might experience from a regular non-hovering record player, and it also comes with an orange light which you can turn on to make it even more futurey. SUCK IT REGULAR RECORD PLAYERS.
Have you got a seriously hot neighbour you'd like to watch getting undressed? Perhaps there's a secret military base nearby that you'd like to scope out without being shot to death. If so, the AER GoPro Foam Dart is exactly what you need. This aerodynamic foam missile is capable of housing the GoPro HERO 3+, 4 and 5 models, and once its snugly inside you can hurl it as far as your weak little chicken arms allow, and have you GoPro film the whole journey. No longer will you need a drone to take sexy shots down ladies' blouses, now you just need a sweet pitching arm and a good aim.
[$22.09] / [£16.99]
If you were hoping for a book where people put their penises into ground meat then you'll be sorely disappointed in the Pornburger Recipe Book, as there's not a single quarter pounder creampie or whipped patty bukkake to be seen. However, what you will find in here is 300 plus pages of delicious burger-based recipes courtesy of self-described burger nonce Mathew Ramsey. I suppose you could just draw boobs on the burgers if you're desperate.
[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Is your dog a complete loser who can't even go and sniff another dog's anus without getting all shy? Then why not get that four-legged f****r drunk for some dutch courage! Those pesky animal rights people will have a shit fit if you feed your pooch regular suds, so instead serve them up a bowl of this delicious Bottom Sniffer Dog Beer, containing precisely zero alcohol, zero bubbles and zero fun. Nevertheless, this Dandelion and Burdock flavoured treat will still help your dog feel proud of its body and confident in it's self, allowing it to finally hump that stranger's leg it's always had a crush on.
For those of you stupid enough to be cajoled into buying one of those awful Apple Watches, the time has long since passed where you could make good on your investment. But, in an effort to prove the sunk cost fallacy, why not throw good money after bad and tart that contraption up with these Horween Leather Apple Watch Straps from Nomad. Apparently, Horween leather develops a unique patina over time, and I don't know what that means, but I bet it's not going to stop your wife leaving you is it? The straps also come with a custom 316 stainless steel buckle too, and if I was a betting man I'd say this isn't going to compensate for having no friends. Finally, these straps are also compatible with any kind of apple watch. Pah, if only you were as compatible with other human beings, you sigh, as you slowly draw the noose around your neck.
Oak-aged alcohol is often rather expensive, and if you're too cheap to buy it then your only way of achieving that smoky booze aftertaste is to enter a burning building while downing a pint. But fortunately for you smoke aficionados there's now a solution, and it comes in the form of this Oak Bottle Mini Master Infuser. Capable of infusing 355ml of booze with an oaky taste in as little as two hours, this vessel made from 100% American Oak promises to improve bourbon, rum, beer, BBQ sauce and any other liquids you fancy by adding an ultra quick burst of charred oak flavour and aroma. And yes, I suppose you could try it with urine.
Hand carved from Baltic birchwood and laser etched to precision, these Don't Fuck Up The Table Coasters actually serve several useful purposes. First of all, they help keep your table free from the scuffs and stains associated with beverage containers. Secondly, they remind you not to fuck up the table via other means, such as with hammers or a gamma-ray gun. And thirdly, they allow you to passively aggressively tell your friends you don't trust them around your home, except without the awkward silence which usually accompanies such a statement. Oh, also Amazon claims they're a great conversation piece too. But if this is seriously the kind of thing you'd consider having a whole conversation about, I'd say you need better friends bub.
[$13] / [£9.99]
This book, How To Live With A Huge Penis, is often mistakenly purchased by those with an annoying roommate, but no, this epic tome is actually more of a useful guide for those men who are considerably endowed in the trouser department. I myself have a penis so small it's practically inverted, but even I found this book riveting, as it illuminates readers on the unexpected benefits of having a large member, the everyday life of a chap with a chunky chopper, and the oft-ignored persecution blokes with big dicks face on a daily basis. Also it's written by a Doctor and a Reverend, and if there are two professions which know more about penises than medics and the clergy, then I haven't heard of them.
[$26] / [£19.99]
Has anyone ever asked you to project whatever shite you're watching on your phone onto a wall, so they and everyone around you can bask in its glory? No, me neither. But if you have experienced this unlikely scenario then you'll need this Smartphone Projector 2.0, as its capable of turning Youtube vids, streamed content and homemade phone porn into a cinematic viewing experience. Available in both a black / gold or copper design, this bastard will work straight out of the box with both the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6s. Does it work with any other phones? I do not know. Why not buy it and find out for yourself you lazy git.