[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.

[$59.99] / [£32.99]
An Arcade cabinet with full-sized joystick and buttons for your iPad! Just connect via Bluetooth and load it up with a with some arcade classics from the app store, one of the best being Atari Greatest Hits App! The iCade is made from solid wood with a stylish retro design perfectly tailored for the iPad.

[$394.82] / [£279.99]
The Nintendo Switch is what you get when the Wii gets knocked up by a Gamecube and out spurts some half-breed nonsense. With its dock, Joy Con and Joy Con Grip able to be used for personal, tabletop and four-way play, the Switch's major selling point is that it allows you to enjoy the home console experience on the go; a feature nobody asked for but everyone's gonna get. I like to sit nude and alone in the dark when I'm playing games, so now I guess I'll have to do the same thing on the bus instead.

[$74.22]
When taking a game of Beer Pong on the road it can be annoying when the cups slide all over the place, especially if you’ve pitched up at a funeral and accidentally drenched the corpse with precious alcohol. Sucking booze from a dead man’s suit is no way to spend an afternoon, but now you don’t have to worry about this completely fictitious scenario with the Truck Bed Beer Pong Table. If you own a truck, and we’re assuming you do, you can fit this to the rear with ease and be ready to party wherever the hell you are. Beaches, Barbecues, Child Beauty Pageants – all are made better by the presence of a drunken truck driver shouting “Who wants to play beer pong!”

[$199.99]
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

[$55] / [£34.99]
Picture the scene. It’s Christmas, Grandma has come over and is being a bit racist as usual. You’ve had a little bit too much to drink. You open a present, and it’s this Street Fighter Christmas Jumper. What do you do? “Hadouken!”. Grandma is hurled through the window and she crumples into a heap on the street below. You turn away, thinking your job is done. But no, she picks herself up and rips off her overcoat, revealing a saucy pair of Chun-Li style knickers, which she flashes at you as she attempts a spinning bird kick to your face. Obviously she’s 83, and instead she falls over and breaks her hip, which ruins Christmas for everyone. But do you know what won’t ruin Christmas? Buying someone this official Street Fighter jumper, which is made from Acrylic, available in all regular people sizes, and is quite frankly the finest Christmas jumper ever made.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$35]
Is this the droid you were looking for? Haha get it, that’s like the line from that fucking film isn’t it? I wish I was dead. If you’re as big a Star Trek fan as I clearly am you’ll love this Sphero BB-8 Remote Control droid is just for you. Not only can you guide its movements using tablet and smartphone apps, it also listens to voice commands…unlike my bitch of a girlfriend who just ignores them. Make Captain Jean Luc Picard happy by buying a Sphero BB-8 today…unless you’re too angry that I got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up. If you did, have a word with yourself.

Really lovely print by Yoni Alter, can you guess the owners of the eyes?

Works with ALL original NES, SNES and Genesis games, two ports for each console, includes 2 wireless controllers S-video and AV component out. You would not see me for months if I got this!

Bake your own edible 3D Dinosaur with the 3D dinosaur cookie cutters. You get 4x the fun of normal cookies, bake them, make them, play with them, then eat them!

[$48.99] / [£72.07]
If we’re all perfectly honest with ourselves, then nobody actually wants gift-cards, clothes or charity donations for Christmas. All that stuff can burn in hell for all I’m concerned, I want booze and toys. This Wall Climbing Stunt Car is just the thing for Christmas day, especially if you’ve just watched the festive family film Trainspotting and want something to start climbing the walls. This car has a lightweight yet heavy-duty body that won’t smash to bits even if it drops off… which it won’t, because it uses an advanced system of fans to keep it stuck to the wall. It comes in red, blue and black, or more colours if you paint it with the expensive nail varnish your sister got.