[$707.34] / [£669]
You know the Black Label 6061 Bike is a fancy bit of kit because they use clever words in the description to say so. Its frame is made from "high-end" aluminium. The forks are made from "carbon fiber steer tubes". And it has something called a "Flip flop hub". I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it. The Black Label is also fully customisable, so whether you're a fat bloke riding to work or a slender lass who bikes up mountains, the 6061 can be faffed with to suit your needs. Just make sure you remember to put the brakes on properly. I forgot when I was assembling my son's bike, and now he thinks his fingers are spaghetti.

Now I like hot sauce so this fella tickled my tastebuds... Tabasco Family Reserve starts out life as the finest peppers grown on Tabasco’s Avery Island home, handpicked by the family. These superior specimens are then smashed and combined with Avery Island salt and set to age in white oak barrels for a minimum of three years. Certain amounts age for an additional five years and are then blended with white wine vinegar to form this. They then release small runs to the public under the Family Reserve label.

[$195]
My desk looks like a garbage pile. There's old food, the occasional rat corpse, and some miscellaneous ooze whose origin shall remain unknown. That's just the way I like it. However, if your boss is getting tetchy and you need to clean up your act while retaining the trash aesthetic, why not invest in one of these Dumpsty Desktop Dumpsters to store all your office crap. Measuring 11 by 10 by 8 inches, these steel containers look so much like dumpsters that when you're drunk you'll wonder if shrink rays are a thing. They're also customisable, with all manner of magnets, colours and lids available for the discerning dumpster dependant.

[$12]
There’s no classy way to advertise this product, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. If you want to find traces of spunk, spooge, tears, blood, mucus, shit, or any other bodily fluids the Luminol Crime Scene Spray is the tool for you. A perfect valentines gift for your jizzy beloved, Luminol contains highly reactive reagents which can detect spillages even after they’ve been wiped up. I used this spray at your Grandma’s house. The resulting glow left me blind.

[$19.99]
Still buying pre-made neon signs like an idiot? What are you, some kind of idiot? This Customisable Neon Sign is where the fun's at. Consisting of three metres of neon cable and one metre of fixing wire, you can write literally anything you want out of this stuff. I mean, Arabic might be tricky. Chinese too. But you could at least spell out some pretty neat swear words. That's something, right?

[$18.39] / [£12.99]
The definition of Netflix and Chill is to invite someone over to have sex under the premise of watching TV. The definition of Netflix and Grill is to involve grilled objects in this equation, which may or may not already be part of your sex life depending on what you’re into. Coming in both vegan and delicious animal varieties, these pan-packed ready meals can be thrown straight under the grill and your food will be done in the time it takes to get bored of Orange is the New Black – 8 minutes. This service isn’t available everywhere yet so don’t get too excited, but you’ll know when it’s come to your area as it will be marked by a sudden surge of lazy fat bastards getting heart attacks.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$89.97]
As summer approaches the last thing you want to drink is a massive hot mug of steaming coffee, because that'll make you sweat all the water out of your god damn body. But if you're still hankering for an injection of caffeine you could drink a glass of coke like a non-idiot, or you could use the My Dutch Cold Coffee Brew Maker to create a delicious glass of cold brew coffee. Using an innovative clean cold water drip method the My Dutch extracts new flavours from coffee which you wouldn't get from hot brewing, and comes in both 350ml and 550ml varieties, so there.

[$17.90]
Still juicing lemons on your nose, elbow or genitals? Not anymore! The Juice Bruce Lemon Squeezer is here to help! On the surface Juice Bruce looks like a bit of wood with a face on that you can jam into fruits, but really he's so much more than that. He's ergonomically designed for your hands, he's versatile, he's romantic, he's a tender lover, he writes excellent poetry, he is so many things. He probably makes a great dildo too, but only after you've removed the citrus pulp from his face.

[$129]
The Hot Ash stove is a portable wood-burning rocket stove which you can take anywhere you like to cook anything you like. Its primary and secondary burn chambers mean you can shove sticks or wood pellets inside and trust them to burn for longer than they would just thrown on the ground in a pile. Despite its small size it is also strong enough to hold a large skillet, meaning you can fry a smashed up squirrel or a recently slain woodpigeon with ease. Or you could boil water on it, but that's less fun.

[$22]
This Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker can be used to create Taiyaki, which are fish-shaped waffles that you can fill with anything from red bean paste, custard, chocolate and cheese through to broken glass, nails, excrement and bleach, depending on who you're serving and how much you hate them. Made from non-stuck aluminium, there are two molds inside this pan, allowing you to make one serving for a normal person, six for someone on a diet, and 0.004 servings for a greedy fat bastard.