[$195]
My desk looks like a garbage pile. There's old food, the occasional rat corpse, and some miscellaneous ooze whose origin shall remain unknown. That's just the way I like it. However, if your boss is getting tetchy and you need to clean up your act while retaining the trash aesthetic, why not invest in one of these Dumpsty Desktop Dumpsters to store all your office crap. Measuring 11 by 10 by 8 inches, these steel containers look so much like dumpsters that when you're drunk you'll wonder if shrink rays are a thing. They're also customisable, with all manner of magnets, colours and lids available for the discerning dumpster dependant.

[£14.99]
The best gifts to give are those which help to enable a crippling habit someone's tried really hard to overcome. For example, why not sling a recovering alcohoic this Secret Booze Bangle to ensure they topple off the wagon completely? Made of almost definitely fake Rose Gold, this hollowed-out hand-accessory can be filled with enough booze to take the edge off an awkward family funeral. Go on. Be the hate you want to see in the world. You know it makes sense.

A simple way to secure your wine and liquor bottles. Do you live with people who like to drink? Yeah, well keep them away from your expensive hooch with the Combination Bottle Lock, would be a great gift too!

[$25.59] / [£19.99]
Whiskey tastes better when there's a bullet jammed in the glass you're drinking it from. That's just a stone cold fact. So I suppose that's why this Bulletproof Whiskey Glass exists, with a real .308 calibre bullet wedged right in there on the side. You could try and make one of these at home if you wanted. It's super easy. I managed to lodge a bullet into a glass last week. I say glass, it was my neighbour's skull. And I say bullet, it was an axe. And I say last week, I plan to do it tomorrow. But still, isn't it a nice glass?

A classic! Screw it to a wall somewhere, then open beers with it. Marvelous.

[$74.22]
When taking a game of Beer Pong on the road it can be annoying when the cups slide all over the place, especially if you’ve pitched up at a funeral and accidentally drenched the corpse with precious alcohol. Sucking booze from a dead man’s suit is no way to spend an afternoon, but now you don’t have to worry about this completely fictitious scenario with the Truck Bed Beer Pong Table. If you own a truck, and we’re assuming you do, you can fit this to the rear with ease and be ready to party wherever the hell you are. Beaches, Barbecues, Child Beauty Pageants – all are made better by the presence of a drunken truck driver shouting “Who wants to play beer pong!”

Cool, small keychain breathalizer, be sensible guys don't drink and drive! The BACtrack Keychain Breathalyzer will fit in your purse or pocket and will display your alcohol level on the 2 digit LED display. It has a folding mouthpiece and three additional mouthpieces and is FDA cleared for personal use.

Do you love beer? I'm sure you love eating, why not combine all of your interests with the Beer: A Cookbook. Good food made better with beer.

[$9]
As a barely functioning alcoholic if I don’t have a bottle opener I’ll simply smash my brew open and cut my gums to shreds. For you fancy bastards with your dignity you may want to purchase the Pico Micro Bottle Opener. This sleek design fits on a tiny keychain which you use as leverage. And despite its size it remains surprisingly effective at removing bottlecaps. Like a virgin on a first date it needs only a single tug to get it off.

[$19.99]
Still buying pre-made neon signs like an idiot? What are you, some kind of idiot? This Customisable Neon Sign is where the fun's at. Consisting of three metres of neon cable and one metre of fixing wire, you can write literally anything you want out of this stuff. I mean, Arabic might be tricky. Chinese too. But you could at least spell out some pretty neat swear words. That's something, right?

Great little fridge tidy. FRIDGE MONKEY!

[$17]
Hey bro check out this like, totally gnarly beer shotguning tool for when you need to be a total bro on the go. Like, you know, for parties and junk. I know right? Instead of making like a, like, like a hole in a can with a knife or your weiner, you can just toally use this to do it for you, which means more time for shotgunning more beers bro. Yeah bro. I know! Bro. Bro! BRO!

[$1030]
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat screaming my mother's name. She isn't dead, and she isn't ill, so I don't know why I do it. But every time that I do I suddenly begin levitating three feet off the ground, and it was during one of these moments I invented the Mag-Lev Levitating Turntable. Those are the words of Mag-Lev's founder, Kenny Magnets, and his revolutionary hovering record player will enhance the way you listen to records forever, or for about five minutes, depending on how long you use it for. Capable of playing at 33,3-rpm and 45-rpm, the Mag-Lev avoids all the shaky shaky interruptions you might experience from a regular non-hovering record player, and it also comes with an orange light which you can turn on to make it even more futurey. SUCK IT REGULAR RECORD PLAYERS.